1/27/2013

Opportunities

Sometimes life handles you opportunities, whether they are work or love opportunities, and some of them only come once in a lifetime. Most of us are too afraid to take them, because usually they are something completely different to what we are used to, but then you realize that you're never going to have that opportunity again and you feel frustrated.

That's why I have started to take things as they are, as they come and look at life in an optimistic way, because that way is just easier for things to happen. After all, if you are not enjoying life it's more difficult for opportunities to come, or at least, you're less likely to realize the opportunities as they appear.

You only live once, so you better take whatever it comes when it does.

1/22/2013

A normal girl

Things are not always what they appear to be, she knew that well. She looked like a normal girl and she was... She was exactly that, a normal girl, which was really frustrating for her.

She had tried to learn to do new and unexpected things, but she always ended up giving up, either because she grew bored out of it, or because someone told her that she was the kind of person who would do that.

When she was on the verge of giving up and stay normal for her whole life, she saw some really nice graffitis on the street. Why not? she thought, she was a good painter and no one would ever think about her as a street artist.

Some months after she had taken the decission, drawings started to appear in the poorest and more degraded regions of the city, lighting up the dull and grey streets. And she was happy knowing that she was no longer a normlal girl.

1/21/2013

Fear

For fear of being refused, she never had told him that she loved him, that she had loved him since the day she first saw him. For fear, now it was time to part and she couldn't find the way to tell him all of it.

For fear of being laughed at, he never told her that he couldn't stop thinking about her. That he couldn't sleep thinking about her, that he was aware of her every move. For fear, now she was leaving and she'd never know it.

For fear, they both were stuck thinking that theirs was an impossible love, that they should better forget about it and live their lives forgetting they ever met. For fear what could have been never was.

1/19/2013

Herself

Early morning on empty streets and she was walking on her own. She couldn't possibly be more alone. But she didn't. She had the music and she had her happiness. What else could she possibly need? Of course she longed for other things, after all life is a game about chasing dreams. But when you know that you're in the right path, as she knew, the only thing to do is reach for them.

It's funny how, since the day she realized that she knew how she wanted to live her life, her confidence had sky-rocketed. How she no longer cared about what other people thought. Because she had herself. And that's a rare thing to have.

1/18/2013

What hurt the most

Nothing hurt most than knowing that she loved him and he didn't. Knowing that he'd never be her's, that it was a love that had only one direction. That nothing she did would change it. That he was determined in not loving her, in forgetting she did even exist. That she was only a background piece of his life, a piece that wouldn't be missed if it got lost. That she was helpless loving him and she could not change her love for him.

Nothing hurt most than not being able to sleep because she was thinking of him, or waking up in the middle of the night and not finding him by her side. Nothing could ever hurt most than seeing him doing his life not caring about her, not worring about her. Seeing him loving other girls, enjoying other things, sharing things with everyone but her. Not having him, that was what hurt the most.

1/17/2013

By his side

They had shared evenings, afternoons, mornings, sunrises and sunsets. They had shared almost everything to friends can share. But feelings. They didn't share their feelings, for one of them saw the other as a friend, while the other was in love.

They had known each other since they were 6, they had gone to school together, they had gone to highschool together and, when the time came, they became flatmates. One of them went out with a different girl each night, while the other sat on the sofa watching tv trying to ignore the escapades of the friend. Mike would share his stories about the girls he was going out with, but he could not see what was happening in front of him.

The first time Tom realized he loved Mike he was horrified. It was not the first time he was in love with a boy, but Mike was his closest friend, he didn't know how to confess his feelings to him. It was just too much. He decided that he'd rather keep him as a friend that tell him he loved him. And he did for some years. But then something happened.

Mike had a really bad breakup with a girl he had been going out with for some months. When Tom got home he found Mike terribly drunk.
"Mike, Mike" he said shacking his friend "what are you doing?"
Mike tried to focus his gaze and stared at him not even knowing who he was.
"MIKE" Tom shouted this time slapping across his friend's face.
This time Mike reacted.
"Why the hell did you do that?"
"Haven't you seen yourself? You stink of alcohol! What happened?"
Mike started to cry.
"Giselle leeeeeft meeee" he said sobbing "I thought we were doing pretty well, but all this time she was cheating on me"
"Mike, calm down, you'll find someone else"
"No, there's no one else there for me... No one will ever love me, I'll die alone" he told his friend holding back his tears.
Tom realized that it was past time he told Mike his feelings for him.
"No, you won't. I'll be there for you forever. I'll take care of you. And I'll be there when you die. I love you Mike, I've loved you for years. I've loved you in silence seeing you loving other peoplr. But I've kept on loving you. Nothing you do or say can change this."
Mike stoped crying and his eyes found Tom's.
"I can see in your eyes that what you say is true. I'm sad I can't love you so. I wisg I could, though. I wish I could. You're the only person who has been by my side always all these years, the only one who listened to my problems and helped me out. My closest friend, better than family. And yet, when you give me love I can only give you friendship and the promise to stand by your side whenever you need me. I'm so sad it's the only thing I can give you. So sad."
Tom wasn't surprised that Mike had told him that he couldn't love him, he knew that already. But he was glad that he would have his friendship for as long as they were alive, at least he would have him by his side.

1/15/2013

How relationships die

Having spent the whole dinner staring at her over the plate he still couldn't make himself clear on why he didn't love her anymore. But the fact is that he didn't. She was the same as usual, maybe that was the problem. He had changed jobs twice in the time they had been together, he had changed his lifestyle, he had changed many things that made him a completely different person to the one he was when they first met and when they married. But she had stayed the same. Not wanting to assume that time passes for everyone and that she was getting old.

So it was time to tell her that it was over, he would not keep the illusion of a happy marriage just because of what people might say. It was not his kind of thing to do, he knew she'd feel terrible and sad, but it was time to put an end to it all.

"Ellen" he said softly, interrupting her speech on how bad things were at work. "I need to tell you something".
She looked at him.
"Tell me darling, what's wrong?"
He decided to make it clear.
"I don't love you anymore."
She sat on the chair frozen in her place.
"Say something" he insisted.
She standed up and started picking the dishes.
"Very well, I'm leaving", she left the dishes in the sink, took her purse and left.
And just like that their life together was finished.

1/14/2013

Random acts of kindness

Lana sat on the train as every morning, she tried to seat each day in the same place just in front of an old lady who spent the conmute knitting. Lana always smiled to the old lady but they never had spoken.

That day, though, was different, the old lady asked Lana her name and whether she liked the scarf she was knitting. Lana was surprised and of course she told her that she liked it very much, that green was her favorite color and also a lucky one. The old lady smiled and Lana decided to ask her about her life. Then the old lady started talking.

Her name was Anne and she had been married to an aristocrat, though she never fitted in that kind of life and that's why she had been working as a journalist, at the moment she was giving some lessons to young journalists. Lana was curious about all the knitting so she asked for it, Anne smiled and told her that she liked knitting and that she would give the clothes as soon as they were finished to someone she liked even if she didn't know the person much. Lana was amazed and told her that she would like to do something like that too, making the world a happier place. She didn't know how to knit thiugh, Anne told her not to worry, that she was sure that there was something she knew how to do. Lana confesed that she could draw, maybe not with a perfect technique but that she was good at capturing feelings and expressions, and Anne encouraged her to give it a try.

They were close to Anne's stop so she stood up and gave Lana the scarf telling her "Now it's your time to make happy a stranger, it's time for you to start doing random acts of kindness".

The following day Lana sat somewhere else and looked for someone she could make happy.

1/13/2013

Sadness at the coffee shop

She was sitting on her own at a coffee shop staring at the coffee that was getting cold on the table. The coffee didn't make sense, why was there coffee on the table? She didn't remember having ordered it. Actually, she didn't even remember where she was. Her world was crumbling why should her mind care about what her body did? If nothing had sense anymore why should she care about anything else than the moment when the phone rang shattering her life forever? She remembered the phone call vividly and even some hours after it, the hours spent at the hospital, when he was lying in a cold ER room surrounded by beeping machines that were secretly telling her that he wasn't going to make it, that those minutes where all the time they had left together and that the destiny had made that he wouldn't be able to enjoy them, although, possibly, deep in his coma he knew that everything was coming to an end. The end to a story that was too short, they were just starting to share a life together. While sitting on the coffee shop she remembered it all.

They had met at a friend's house, by then she was still going out with her college boyfriend, thinking that she was happy and that it was love. He was just visiting those friends after having spent some time abroad trying to make a living on writing, thinking that maybe if he had some new experiences he would be able to overcome the fear of the blank page, but he realized that it was a problem that he had to solve himself and that travelling wouldn't cure that, so he went back home and faced it. They started talking when they found themselves sitting one next to the other at the table, although they didn't have much in common both of them felt comfortable with the other and they left thinking that maybe there actually was a connection between them. They spent some time without seeing each other, but one day at a restaurant they happened to be sitting on adjacent tables. They talked a bit and accorded to meet for coffee some other day, only as friends. The day they went for coffee her view of life changed forever, she realized that she didn't love her boyfriend, she had loved him at the start, but not anymore, that after 4 years of relationship there was nothing left of the love she had at the start. She decided to talk to her boyfriend immediately, she though that it was better that he knew it as soon as possible, that it was for the best if they both stopped that relationship that was going nowhere. And, although her boyfriend was sad about it finishing, he knew she was right, he had known she didn't love him for a long time, and even if he still loved her he knew that she wouldn't be able to give him what he needed.

After the breakup she had found some time to clear up her mind about what she was expecting from live and love, she kept up having "dates" with him where he talked about the places he had been and soon she started picturing herself going with him in look for adventures. Suddenly there wasn't a day where they didn't talk and just like that they started a relationship. Everything so natural and effortless that no one was surprised when they decided to move in together after only some moths of relationship. But when they were only some weeks short of a year living together it all finished. For both of them.

Now she wasn't thinking what was she going to do without him, she was only living her life day by day, not thinking about anything letting her body do the work. Even after some weeks she still wasn't able to think about packing his things and storing them away. She couldn't remember that she had to cook only for one now, that she only needed to set up the table for one and that she didn't need to go tell him that dinner was ready because he was writing and in his own world. She wouldn't remember all of it as she couldn't remember that she was sitting in the coffee shop where they had their first coffee together.

1/11/2013

Deconstructed poetry

And just like that, when she thought all was lost and finished, he appeared out of the blue to take her home again.
To make her feel safe and cared of.
To show her the things she didn't know were missing in her life.
To give her love and comfort.
To teach her new things and rediscover old things.
To widen her  horizons.
Just on time before everything was lost and finished.
Before she gave up.
Before nothing could ever happen again.
Just on time he was there with his smiling eyes.
He was there reaching out for her.
And she knew that was what was missing from her life.
And she knew that she would never ever lose it again.
She knew it.
They both knew it.

1/08/2013

Self esteem

I've always have problems with my self esteem, usually it was because I didn't consider that anyone could be attracted to me physically because I didn't like my body, now that I've lost weight and I think I look much better (before anyone starts telling me that being skinny doesn't mean being pretty, I was clinically overweight so I just lost enough weight as to have a healthy BMI), I still have issues. Sometimes when I like a guy I keep thinking why should he like me and I end up thinking there are no reasons at all.

But that's finished, I might have bad things but I think I'm also funny and smart, and I can talk about hundreds of different topics: science, sports, books, music. I can be sarcastic but I can also be sweet. I'm the girl lots of parents would like for their sons. I know how to act in each situation. I'm shy but also friendly. I smile a lot. That's it I smile a lot. I don't ask lots of questions. I'm a good cook. I'm a scientist, a neuroscientist. I don't need to talk much. I've got an expressive face. I like to read. I know different languages. I like travelling and getting lost and not knowing where I am, why I am there. I like adventure. I don't mind not going to fancy restaurants if there's something better to do. Also I guess I have something that is physically attractive too.

I guess I might not be the perfect girl for some guys, not so for some others. But I do have good things and that what I need to focus on.