Small things (Part 4)

Last year I started writing a story that I entitled Small things, now I decided to recover it. I made some corrections to the previous posts and added a couple of paragraphs. I hope I'll finish it eventually in some further posts, but for now I leave you with what I have written so far. 

Seth was one of these people that you know all your life but still can surprise you. We first met when we were six and became fast friends, maybe because we lived close to each other or because we had similar interests. Though, since we were so young it is difficult to pinpoint which were our affinities. We shared all our childhood and adolescence together and, when the time came to go to college, it was the first time that we would lead separate lives.

We were a weird couple, not only because I am a girl and he was a boy, but because even if we were always together we never had feelings for each other, and also because we had no other close friends. Growing up, everyone told me that I should have some girlfriends and do girly things, but I felt I could be feminine enough while still hanging out with Seth. I didn't have the need to waste my time talking make up or clothing. Back in hindsight, is as if we had been adults all our lives, talking about life and death when most of the kids were talking about TV shows. We were different.

I want to focus on the immediate period before Seth and I parted ways and went to college, that was the last summer of our lives, the best one, but also the saddest one. I took up a summer job to save some money for college, Seth passed his days reading books under a tree in his house's garden. I would go and pick him up to go to the beach or to the swimming pool, though I should actually say that I had to drag him around. Seth was never a people's person, but he was getting more introvert as he grew up, as I was getting much more outgoing. It was a pain to go out with him, sometimes having him mumbling insults at everyone who dared to approach him.

One day, I took him to a party that someone was throwing out as a farewell. He displayed his usual stubbornness saying that he didn't want to go and that there was no one interesting in there. He was always on the lookout for interesting people, and he was really frustrated that summer because he already knew everyone and no one was interesting enough. I guess that I was interesting enough so he could tolerate me, but I did never fulfill his needs. I finally got him in the car and drove to the party. He was silent all along and I never tried to make him speak. We got to the party and he behaved like a normal person for a while, a normal awkward person, but finally he got tired and started asking strange questions to the people who went to talk with him. I knew this strategy, it meant he wanted to stay alone and that he didn't care where it was, the ideal would have been on the moon for him. After a while I saw him talking to himself on a corner of the room and I knew it was time to leave. I didn't mind his talking, but I knew that people would think that he was crazier than he looked like and it would only do him wrong. Seth talked to himself a lot, but it was just an escape valve for his overloaded mind. He thought so much that he needed to relief the pressure, and the best way was to put his thinking in order out loud. We left the party and I drove him home, he had again stopped talking and seemed to be in his own world. That was a bit too much, I knew something was happening and I needed to know what was it. I dropped him off at his house and started planning how could I get to know what was going on inside his mind.

The following week I took a couple of days off in my summer job and picked up Seth for an excursion. He didn't actually knew where we were going or for how long, but since his perception of time and space was different to everyone else, he didn't actually mind. I packed enough food and camping stuff for both of us and drove him into the desert. I used to camp in the desert with my family when I was a kid so I knew exactly what I had to do and where I had to camp. Seth, on the other hand, had never been there and I felt that it was what he needed.

When we got to the place he was astonished. The vastness of it and the sense of solitude. He went and climbed a lonely rock and stood there for ten minutes. I wasn't counting on him to plant the tend so I started on my own. After a while he came back and started helping silently. When the sunset arrived I lit up a campfire to cook and he sat by it staring at the flames. He hadn't said anything since he got out of the car. It wasn't unusual, but it still made me uncomfortable, even if I talked to him he wouldn't take his eyes off the flames as if he were drinking energy from it. We ate in silence and stared at the stars, so shiny and so many.

After a while Seth sat up, looked at me and abandoned his silence.
-Why are you doing this?- he asked.
-Why not?
-I wouldn't do it.
-That's the main reason.- I replied.
He stared at me, then he sighed and closed his eyes.
-So, thank you, I guess.
He laid back with his eyes closed, but I could see he was still awake.
-I'm getting in the tent to sleep, goodnight.
He never replied, but I knew he had heard me, so I got into the tent and went to sleep.

The following morning the rays of sunshine woke me up. I looked by my side inside the tent, to see if Seth was there, he wasn't and his sleeping bag was as I had left it the previous day. He had clearly not come in to sleep. I stretched and got out of the tent. The fire had been off for hours, but it had burned down to ashes so Seth might have stayed until it went off. There was a blanket by the fireplace and some of the food I had laid off was missing. I wondered where would Seth be, I decided to have breakfast and wait for him for a while, if he hadn't come by midday I'd go look for him.

The hours passed by and Seth never appeared. I prepared a backpack with some stuff I thought I might need and took off. It was a really rocky desert, so there were many hiding spots, I made myself visible by wearing bright colors so Seth would know I was looking for him. I looked for him for hours, but as the sun was going down I decided to get back to the tent.

A tour in the center, Robert Capa and meeting new people

Yesterday I met with a girl from the lab to go to the center. Because we were meeting on a metro station I had to go there alone on a bus, actually in two minibuses. It was quite the experience, as I explained before on a post. It was also my first time on the metro, first I was impressed because, unlike Barcelona they already have the magnetic card system, also because each trip costs only 3 pesos (0.17 €). Inside the metro it's a bit of a chaos, every 2 minutes there's someone passing by trying to sell you something, though I don't really think anyone actually buys them anything (however someone must because otherwise they would stop selling stuff).

We went to el Zocalo in the center of the city and we first visited the cathedral, which has lots of gold everywhere (apparently from the gold the Spanish found when they arrived). In the square there is a enormous Mexican flag (that I wondered how could they ever wash it).

After that we went to a photography exposition about the Spanish Civil War, the pictures were from Robert Capa among others, and as usual I got very emotional seeing all those pictures and knowing that part of my family and part of the families of people I know died there or suffered it. After that we went to Madero which is a pedestrian street to eat something.

We also wanted to visit the Museum of the Fine Arts Academy, but we got there a bit too late and we wouldn't have had enough time to visit. So we decided to walk a bit around the Alameda Park and visit the "hemiciclo a Juarez" that was full of teenagers dancing.

After that we walked back to the Zocalo and on our way we meet some people who were dancing traditional dances, it was nice, but noisy. Speaking of noisy, I find it really annoying that you're walking on the street and people paid by the shops almost stops you around shouting about what they are selling, it's really really annoying.

We were going back home when this girl got a message to go to a friends place and I decided to go along so I could meet more people. They were delightful! I meet a guy who is as crazy about F1 as me and a girl who worked for a while in the same building I work in back in Barcelona. I had a really nice time.

A Halloween party and an infinite list of things I need to eat

Yesterday I went to my first ever real Halloween party. I had never been to one because it's not something we usually celebrate. 

It was awesome. And it was because of this: 

And because people were in costumes, such as the Mad Hater, the Queen of Hearts, a voodoo doll, zombies,... It was insane. I really enjoyed it. 

People was really really nice and they made a list of things I need to try before leaving. The conclusion is that I'll be able to go back floating of all the fat I'll end up storing! 

Missing home

There's a moment when you're away that, no matter how strong or independent you are, you find yourself missing home.

To me this moment arrived today. I'm having fun, and I'm learning a lot. However, I kinda miss some of the people I left on the other side of the pond. Truth is, I thought I'd miss people I'm not actually missing for now, but still I kinda wish I could go back for some hours.

It's on days like this that you discover yourself counting down the days missing to see them again. That you start considering the things that you might be missing there, even if your life is much more interesting now. But you're missing home and that's it.

I think that what made me miss home today was pondering that I'll spend my birthday, Christmas and New Year's away from the people I love. I thought I could bear it, and I guess I'll be able to, but today it all piled up and I wish I could be back to my boring life, to the life I was tired to live in Barcelona, just for some hours, to see that everything stays the same, or to see that nothing stays the same because the world is crumbling because I'm not there (yes, that's kind of selfish).

But I know it's normal to miss home sometimes, even if I have lots of problems there, and even if some people creates even more problems for me. I guess there's something in the routine I used to have that makes me miss everything. Yet, I know this will pass, that I'll be better in a couple of hours and that I'll forget I missed anything until it hits me the next time.

Riding the bus

Today I got on a Mexican minibus. If you've never been on one, I can tell you it's quite a experience. 

For a start, they go around with the doors open so people can hop on and off whenever they want. Sometimes the bus stops, sometimes it just slows down to a speed when people can get off without breaking an ankle. Also, they are insanely cheap, like it only cost me 4 Mexican pesos which is a bit more than 20 cents (euros, not dollars). 

I rode it both in the morning and in the afternoon. The morning bus was full of people and some kind of latin music was blasting on the radio, I was just too sleepy to even care (FYI: I get really sleepy after having breakfast, even if I had 8 hours of sleep, I don't know if it's the jet lag or the altitude). In the afternoon a guy with a guitar and an harmonica got on and started playing music. It was nice actually, I had never listened to live music on a bus before. 

There are no photos of the bus ride. But I can tell you it was quite an experience, and one that I'll be repeating quite frequently. 

Mexican cold

So, yes I've got a Mexican cold. Well, actually it's a common cold and not even a really bad one (at least for now), but since I'm in Mexico I'm going to say it's Mexican (it makes it more exotic, as if you were on a beach under the sun taking care of your cold (FYI: I'm not)). This is the second time I have a cold since January (yes, I was really healthy for these last 10 months) so I've decided to make a list on why did I get a cold (also because I'm kind of tired of working all day long).

Reasons why I have a cold:

1. Jet lag. Yes, jet lag is a bastard. Not only it makes me want to go to sleep BEFORE 8 pm, and wakes me up in the middle of the night, but ALSO makes my body think it's ok to let everything come in and get comfortable (like this cold).

2. I'm not eating well enough. This one is because of jet lag too. I wake up starving, I have breakfast and then hours pass and I'm not hungry, I'm not hungry for lunch, I'm not hungry for dinner. Actually at dinner time I just want to sleep. So I don't have enough vitamins or anything to support a proper immune system (or whatever).

3. It's been too long since I did any sport. I really really need to go for a run.

4. Altitude. This city is too damn high. I mean, seriously, whose idea was it to build a city ABOVE 2,200 meters?!

5. Weather. This weekend was sunny, and rainy, and sunny again. But now it's rainy and warm, and then cold, and then warm again, and then seas are formed on the streets so you can't help but get your feet soaked. So much for the dry season. (Yes, I know there's a tropical storm, I hope that it doesn't do much harm in the part of Acapulco where they did suffer the worst part of the storms in September).

6. Revenge. This is clearly a revenge. Let me explain it, we, Europeans, came here and spread diseases that killed lots of the original inhabitants of these lands. Therefore, now, I'm just suffering something that my body is not used to, like they did back then.

I've to say that the point I like the most is revenge. It makes sense and it would be fair. Anyway, poor poor immune system of mine.

Tlalpan, Coyoacán and lots of Mexican food

Because I still don't know my way around, and because you can't stay all Sunday on a hotel room as you would at home, today a lab mate was my tourist guide.

As I'm starting to learn, there's always food involved in anything, so we went for breakfast in Tlalpan. Tlalpan seemed a bit like Coyoacán, but smaller, it was really nice anyway. There was a market with typical produce so I ended up taking home tamales and several kinds of sweets that I still haven't had time to try.

After that we went to Coyoacán where we went to the Cultures Museum and we had some gorditas (which by the way is how I'm going to end up...). We also went to drink some Mexican beer and eat insects (yes, insects).

So now I'm back at the hotel fighting to stay awake, because... jet lag.

Coyoacán, Frida Kahlo's museum and a real Mexican lunch

So, today, my boss in here drove me to Coyoacán. It is a really nice place with colonial-style buildings and lots of people selling artisanal stuff, playing instruments or simply walking around enjoying the weather (which was really warm this morning). 

Apparently Coyoacán means something like land of wolves (if I understood correctly) and there is a fountain with a sculpture. 

Also, in Coyoacán there's the Frida Kahlo  museum. In there you can see her works, some of them unfinished, but not less impressive, and her house, where she lived until her death in 1954. She had a really hard life, being struck with disability twice in her life, once with polio when she was a child, and afterwards she was in an accident. Because of the accident she was unable to have kids and she was really traumatized about it. Regardless, she was a strong woman and you can see it in her paintings. I was really impressed by the museum. If you ever go to Mexico make sure you can pass by. 

After that I was invited for lunch and had a real Mexican lunch. I ate sopa de tortilla, which was delicious, sopes and pan de muertos. If I keep this pace I won't be able to fit in any of the clothes I've carried with me... 

Adventure

These next three months are going to be an adventure, for work reasons I've to spend this period of time in Mexico City.

And it's going to be challenging, but it's going to be good for me (now if you've talked to me lately about this you can stop reading, you know what it's coming next).

First of all, it's going to be good for my work life, because I'm going to learn something new from scratch and it will also allow me to be imaginative and ingenious. I'll be relieved of much of the responsibility I've back home, so I guess I'll learn to relax (finally).

Secondly, I was enjoying myself very much back home, but I felt I was stuck. I wasn't going anywhere and there were some relationships that were becoming stale. This time should help myself get some perspective about everything, as well as to see whom I do really need and whom do really need me.

Third, I'll meet tons of new people and learn and see tons of new things, so this can't be bad at all.

I'll keep you posted!

Letter to what could have been but never was

This letter is for you, even if you will probably never read it, or maybe you will and ignore the fact that it is for you, or you will and you will pretend you never did as with so many things.

I should have told you lots of things there last few months, but I never dared, though I know you knew. Maybe now it doesn't make sense anymore, but I'm doing this for myself so I can come clean and start anew.

I think I loved you, for sure I did, and I was so scared to lose you that I was paralyzed. It is funny how little can I fight for the things I really care for. I cared for you, I still do, though in a different way, but I couldn't fight for you. All those stupid sleepless nights, all the mood changes I endured, all for nothing, because I couldn't be brave enough and you couldn't be brave enough to tell me that you knew.

And now it's over, I know it's over, and you've know even for longer than I have, still you think that I might not be able to handle the truth, or maybe you're being selfish and you've other reasons not to tell me. Anyway, we both know I do not deserve it. Even if I did not fight for you; I deserve you to tell me that you'd rather love another for whatever the reason. But, even if you know you can't hide it forever and even if you have told everyone but me, and even if you think that I must know already, you still prefer not to tell me, as if you were waiting for the perfect moment.

Well, there are no perfect moments, and if there were they happened so long ago it doesn't matter anymore. The only thing that truly matters is the time you've made me lose. I do obsess over things, it is the way I am, and I stay obsessed for longer than it would be healthy. I'm terribly faithful and I wouldn't even consider thinking about another. How could I even look at someone else when you existed in my life? It turns out I was just being stupid and blind.

But my eyes opened and now I can see clearly that this could have been but it never was, and that we will stay friends and only that.

However, friends stay clear with one another and they tell the truths as they are. We are no longer two teenagers who can't face problems, we're adults, even if we never handle the problems as such.

So I just want to ask you to man up, and tell the truth so we can be real friends in the end.

The snow chaser

She would go for a walk in the snow first thing in the morning. Her country of origin wasn't a cold one and snow still fascinated her more than annoyed most of the people. She would wander the streets while the sun raised and people were waking up to have breakfast. She had little time left to live and she had decided to live however she pleased. She had been told that she was young and that it was worth trying the treatment, that it had a good success rate. But she would have none of it. She knew her time was done. She had no family to care for, her friends had ended up supporting her decision even if not sharing her views, and she had never had someone she could call her significant other. So she just decided to die.

From the day of her diagnosis, if not earlier, she had known that she wanted to live in the snow. She knew that snow wouldn't last forever, even this north, but neither would her and if she happened to last longer than the snow she could chase it around the globe.

Being in the snow meant being cold all the time, not that it bothered her much, though. She had been cold for years, cold in the outside and in the inside, her heart turned into an ice crystal. To her it made no difference wether it was summer or winter, it was cold all the same. And she embraced winter as an old friend, as it was when things died so they could be born anew. And even if she knew she wouldn't be reborn, she liked to think that from her death something better would appear.

She never talked to anyone, she didn't want to. For her it was all about her and the snow and her freezing as the rain does to create snowflakes. She didn't even speak the language and she had no interest in learning it. Anyway no one ever seemed to be interested into talking to the crazy woman who'd only get out of her house to walk in the snow while everyone else was still in their sleep.

She knew that the town-folk would have theories about who she was, what she was doing there and wether she was ever going to leave. "Well, they are going to be surprised the day they find me dead in the woods", she used to think. She had found the perfect spot. The place where she'd become a snowflake only when the snows melted.

However, the spring would came and she were still alive, so she would move to another place. Still, death seemed to resist taking her and the snows would come and go, and she wouldn't accomplish her desire of being buried in the snows. And then she knew that fate was cruel, denying her of what she wanted and giving her a second chance. Her who did not want to live.

Love makes you blind

Love is blind, that's what we've always been told.

The truth is, love makes you see the flaws in the other person as virtues, or makes you ignore them. However, there's a moment where the first love finishes and you start getting to know them for what they really are, if the love is real I guess the relationship can endure it. But it's hard realizing that someone is not the way you though they were, that some things you used to close your eyes to now they are just borderline annoying.

Then the moment comes when you have to say "Darling, I can't look you in the eyes and tell you I'm sure if I love you anymore"

Blizzard

She wakes up in the morning and sees the scenery in front of her eyes. A new one every now and then, and each beautiful in its own way.

She opens the window and breathes the city air, it's cold and crisp after yesterday's blizzard, all trace of pollution gone. She's naked and the cold makes goosebumps appear on her skin, however she likes it. It makes her feel alive. It makes her feel free and glad of having left everything behind for this job opportunity.

Sometimes, she misses Mark, she can't deny it, and she still loves him in a way, but it is not as it were before. She had never stopped to think about their relationship until she was offered this new job. When she realized that she wanted the job more than she wanted him, she knew that it was over. Their children had taken it as a personal offense, but they were still of an age when you can believe that love can last forever. They still didn't understand that love sometimes finishes out of boredom, that there's no need for big fights.

She closes the window and gets into the shower, she is happy with her life now, but it still hurts to think about the children. She lets the water run down her spine, scalding hot, and she closes her eyes while the water washes away the sweat of the night. The shampoo smells of flowers. She likes it, high class hotels always have the best shampoos.

She hears the bathroom door opening behind her and she smiles remembering last night, and how they had loved each other. She hears him getting in the shower and turns around, her mouth searching for his. Her hands running down his back, discovering that young body that was hers for now. It is doomed to be a short lived relationship and she knows it, but she has decided to make the most out of it.

It is a foolish love, and it makes her feel young again. It makes her feel beautiful. She is grateful for the blizzard that has them confined in her hotel. She is grateful for these hours they've spent exploring each other, getting to know each small flaw of their bodies. But she knows it will soon be over, yet she is grateful for being able to experiment it yet one more time.

He kisses her again under the shower rain, vanishing all her worries and her fears. Reminding her that the only thing that matters the now and here. And she embraces him as she embraces his new life. A life where her only goal is happiness.

The need for a place to call home

These last few days I've been talking to lots of people my age who have a completely different approach to life than I do.

Some of these people feel that owning a house is almost an obligation, an accomplishment. some are eager to share their lives with their significant others, their daily routines, their holidays, everything they experience day after day. Some believe that having kids while being young is the ultimate goal. I do not share these views, and I can not do it for now.

Maybe it is because of a relatively disappointing love experience, to call it something. Maybe it is because I have still to find someone whom I can stand 24 hours a day without getting tired of it. But I think it is because I'm fiercely independent.

I got used to be alone in two different periods of my life and now it is hard for me to try to incorporate someone to my square-headed routine. Also, I don't see myself living in the same place all my life, having so much too see who'd voluntarily cut off their wings to be stranded their whole life in a single place?

That's my nomad soul, I guess, but right now there's nothing I'd rather do than take a plane and spend some days on my own. Somewhere rainy and cold, with lots of places to discover, but on my own. I guess that when the time comes, if it ever does, when I actually want to travel with someone, to share a discovery journey with it, then it will mean that I've found real love, and, maybe, then I'll even consider settling down and starting a family. But I know that, even then, I'll still long for loneliness and that, now and then, I'll need to set off on my own to have some space to breathe.

So, maybe it is just that I haven't found the person yet. But I do think that, for now, I need to live a different live, that I don't have roots anywhere and that it doesn't look like I'm going to have anytime soon.

I'm a traveler and a wanderer.
I'm independent.
And above all I'm a solitary.