6/30/2015

Poison

My phone buzzed inside my pocket, I knew it was Ivy, she had been texting me during the whole day and I had ignored her, focusing on my work. A longer buzz this time, she was calling. I picked up. 

-Ivy, I'm working. 

-I miss you, Flora.- she said with her purring voice. 

Part of me wanted to tell her to fuck off, that I had had enough. But she disarmed me. I would spend the hours or days without seeing her in an endless cycle of misery and realization. And I always concluded that, even if I loved her, her love was killing me. Yet, as soon as I saw her or heard her voice I'd forget about it. But it couldn't continue. I was barely eating, barely sleeping, and more paranoid than usual. People around me complained about my irritability. 

-Ivy.-I interrupted her.-We need to talk. 

-We do?- she mocked me, I knew. 

-Yes. We do. Pick me up after work. 

I sighed and returned to whatever it was I was doing. I couldn't remember, however. That was the effect Ivy had on me. I managed to finish my day as best as I could and waited for her outside the building, chain-smoking cigarettes. She was late, as usual, and greeted me with her lazy smile, not even apologizing. 

-Let's walk.-I said, knowing I was the one who had to be in control. 

We walked around the streets of the City down to the Thames. As we crossed the river I stopped walking and faced her. 

-Ivy. You're killing me, your love is killing me. This needs to stop. I love you more than anything, but this can't be anymore. It hurts to let you go, but it's better than hurting every single day. 

She shrugged her shoulders and said:

-Well, if that's what you want,... 

Then she kissed me, leaving a bittersweet aftertaste in my mouth. After that she climbed on the bridge railings and jumped into the water. She never surfaced. I called for help, but no one had seen her jump. The videotapes show me talking to myself. Everyone says that I have imagined her, but I haven't. She's real, and she'll come for me. 

6/29/2015

Anxiety

I have anxiety. Anxiety AND stress. Don't ask me if I have been diagnosed because I haven't. I haven't gone to the doctor and told them how I feel, how hard it is to fall asleep some nights, how hard it is to stay asleep others, how sometimes I feel overwhelmed, how sometimes I end up paralyzed with fear, fear of not being able to make it. I haven't told a doctor how it is getting worse every time, how I had three anxiety attacks in two weeks. And I haven't because I'm too scared to look for help, because social interaction is one of my triggers, because I'm terrified at them telling me that I'm exaggerating, that it's not that bad, because I'm terrified at them finding I'm actually much worse than I thought I was. 

Yet, it's time to face it. It's time to face this problem that won't go away by simply staring to the other side. And I thought a good way to start would be by identifying my triggers. The things that make my brain collapse in panic. So here's the list:

1) Not being in control.
    a) Feeling trapped in a place and knowing I can't leave whenever I want (reason #1 I avoid elevators)
    b) Being late to something (either a place or a deadline), specially if it is not my fault. 
2) Social situations that have a profound emotional meaning: for example weddings. 
3) Any social situation in which someone I don't know can feel entitled to make unsolicited approaches. 
4) People touching me. 
5) People talking too much.  
6) People in general. 
7) The feeling that I should be planning my future in the long run and I can't do it. 
8) Some specific people. 
9) This post and most of the stories I write. 

All these triggers seem pretty much avoidable, expect how do you tell someone to step away for the sake of your mental health? And anyway, can anyone ever eliminate all the triggers from their life? Sometimes the fear of having an anxiety attack is enough to trigger one. Will I ever be able to escape the grip of anxiety? 

6/28/2015

Moon

I'm sitting on the roof of my house, the tiles are still warm. I hear the people talking and the music playing, things that happen at parties, after all. I should be down there, with everyone, but I can't. I need to be alone. I know no one will come looking for me, this is my secret place, only Flynn knows I'm here. I hug my knees with my arms and wish I could turn down the noise around me and hear the sounds of nature, the far whisper of the sea, the summer crickets. Yet, the music is too loud and there's too many people talking. I look towards the bay, the lights twinkling on the water, the moon is rising and I greet her like an old friend. 

-I wish I were you, sometimes.-I tell her, she will understand.-You can be alone everytime that you want. Even if we are lousy neighbors. You can enjoy silence and loneliness, and don't have to deal with crippling anxiety in social situations. You come and go at your own rhythm and no one asks you why. 

The moon smiles at me and her soft light caresses me. We continue our conversation silently, as she moves across the sky. I lie on my back and feel how the tiles have grown colder. The starts have started to appear, silent companions of the moon. They are far away, yet they shine on the night sky together. I lose track of time until I hear Flynn climbing to the roof, it's then when I realize that the party must be already over. I sit up and help him on the roof, he sits down behind me and hugs me from behind. 

-How are you? 

-I'm okay now. Has everyone left, already? 

-Yes, I told them you weren't feeling okay, don't worry.- he nuzzled his face against my hair. 

-I love you.-I told him holding him tight. 

-Me too. 

We stayed on the roof for some time, in silence. We never needed to talk much, and I was grateful for that. I was grateful for having found someone who understood me like he did, who let me have my moments alone on the roof, and who was willing to come up the roof with me. 

Microaggressions

Girls tend to be told they need to be nice and thankful. It's something that has deep roots in our society and we don't even notice ourselves until something happens. Most of the times we tell ourselves that we are nice because we are good people, but sometimes, we realize that we have been trained to act this way. This is a post on microaggressions, feminism, and standing up for our rights. 

How many times have you automatically replied with a "thank you" when someone called you beautiful, even if it made you feel uncomfortable?
How many times has a man commented on your attractiveness without being asked and you just wished you could just vanish? 
How many times have you posted a picture online for whatever the reason and found that men commented it to tell you how beautiful you look in it even if the reason why you posted it was completely unrelated? 
How many times had a stranger approached you on the street and tried to invite you for a drink and you just simply invented an excuse not to go with him?
How many times have you walked down the street and felt like a piece of meat, eyes following you hungrily? 
How many times have you felt stalked by a man, having him talking to you and making you uncomfortable, but still awkwardly replying, because you would feel bad if you let them hanging? 
How many times have you received compliments that went over the top?
How many times has a man insisted on you doing something you didn't want to do? 

All this has happened to me, some things more than once. And what did I do every single time? Smile and shrug it off. Not wanting to hurt someone else feelings. Sometimes, I would simply ignore it with the hopes that they would go away if they didn't get any attention. But not anymore, the reason why some men feel entitled to treat us like this is that we never stand up and teach them that's not the right way to treat a woman. We are much more than "beautiful" or "attractive", we are much more than that. If we post selfies or pictures in the social media is not because we are searching for your approval. If we dress in a specific way is not because we want to show our bodies to you (damn! In my case I'm wearing the maximum amount of clothing I can wear while it still being the minimum socially acceptable amount of clothing one can wear on the street, and I still feel like I'm going to die because of the heat). We are autonomous beings who don't need to be told what to do, who don't require unsolicited advice. We are not so fragile that we need men to compliment us on everything we do, we know what we are able to do and, sometimes, compliments feel patronizing almost surprised at the fact that a woman could do that. 

Here's a lesson for all men: if we don't ask for your opinion, don't give it to us. If you know a woman only in a vague way don't overcompliment her, it is okay to say nice things every now and then, but watch your forms, there are ways to say them. Don't stalk women, don't creep on them. And, if you're making a woman uncomfortable, back off. In a few words, think before you act, think: "am I doing this because I feel entitled to do so? Am I potentially going to make her uncomfortable?", it only takes one second. 

Here's something for all women: we don't have to be nice to everyone, if we don't like something or we feel uncomfortable we should speak out, we should stop it before it's too late. If men don't know they are making us feel uncomfortable they are never going to stop. 

Awkward

Once upon a time in a kingdom far away, a Princess was born from the reigning King and Queen, she was their first born and they had been trying to conceive for years. For such reasons, her arrival was greatly celebrated throughout the kingdom, and great feasts were held in her honor. Noblemen from the neighboring kingdoms flocked to welcome the little Princess to the world. Likewise, the fairies gathered around to shower her with graces and pretty gifts. One of the fairies was a bit eccentric, everyone loved her as she was a bit of the crazy aunt they all had who liked to walk under the rain and do strange things that never really harmed anybody. When it was her turn, everyone held their breath wondering what would she come up with. 

-So, little Princess, everyone has given you qualities, you're going to be beautiful, you're going to sing well, you're going to be smart, well-spoken. In a few words, you're going to be perfect. Perfectly boring in my opinion. And no one loves perfectly boring. People hates perfect. Flaws is what make us relatable.- People started speaking on the background. -Hush! You all know it's true, because you all have flaws, if you didn't you wouldn't have started talking while I was speaking. As I was saying, flaws are an important part of oneself. I embrace my many flaws, and I want the Princess to have flaws of her own that make her stand out. My present to her is the ability to say inconvenient things at the most random moments, the gift of being awkward. 

Some people laughed, what kind of gift was that? The Queen and the King were nonplussed, that shouldn't be much of a problem they thought. Of course, they were wrong, as they found out as soon as the Princess learnt to talk. One day, when the Princess was five years old, a queen from another kingdom paid visit to the castle, she loved to eat and had gained some wait during those last years. The Princess was there to greet her and just after she did her curtsy, she blurted out: 

-Are you waiting for a baby?

-No.- the visiting queen replied after getting red-faced. 

-Oh! So you're just fat.-the Princess added nonchalantly. 

Needless to say, the Princess was brought to her chambers and reprimanded by her governess. However, nothing could stop the awkwardness, if anything it was worse every time. The Princess grew beautiful, and charming, and awkward. She arrived to an age when her parents considered she needed to marry as she would be the future Queen and she would need someone to help her rule. The monarchs set up several meetings with crown princes of other kingdoms, and prayed for her daughter not to say anything inconvenient. Their prayers were unheard as she managed to shoo her suitors away every single time. 

There was one day in which the Princess was being specially awkward. 

-Have you ever noticed how spoons and knives are perfect for torture?- she told her date while closely examining the utensils. -Look. You could scoop out someone's eyes with them. 

Surprisingly, her date laughed wholeheartedly. 

-You're the funniest girl I ever met.- he told her kissing her hand. 

The King and the Queen couldn't believe their eyes. The Prince kept courting the Princess for some months, until one day he asked for her hand to her parents. The King and the Queen were beside themselves with happiness. 

-We think you should ask our daughter, however, she is the one who has the last word on it. 

The Prince did as he was told, and asked the Princess to marry him. 

-Yes, but... What if you get tired of me? What if I inconvenience you with something I say? What if I inconvenience someone with something I say? What if you stop loving me? Or I stop loving you?

The Prince took her hand with his, comforting her. 

-Your awkwardness is what made me fall in love with you. It doesn't matter what other people think because love is about supporting each other and making each other better. And because I love you nothing else matters. 

The Princess tried to say something else, but the Prince sealed her lips with a kiss. And they lived awkwardly ever after. 

6/25/2015

Polar

So, here's the thing, I'm not TOO good at drawing BUT this story needed a picture. Don't laugh at me. 

Ben was a polar bear. But he wasn't a common boring polar bear, he was a cultured polar bear, and as such he went to college. His classmates were always cold as he demanded the AC to be always on, but none of them complained because they were too scared of Ben although he had never done anything. One summer day, tha air conditioning broke down and the class was unsoportably warm even for the regular students. Ben did his best to be patient, however when the professor started giving a very boring lesson he lost it. Ben jumped from his chair ate the professor and returned to his seat to the astoundished stares of his classmates. 



6/24/2015

Walls

Once upon a time there was a castle in a city. The townsfolk were really proud of it as its walls were strong and had protected them many times when the enemies attacked. For them the castle was a symbol of strength, but at the same time it was welcoming to them, always receiving them as friends. They thought the castle would be there forever because they had no reason to believe otherwise. 

However, inside the castle things were different. The queen would walk the inner part of the walls examining the new cracks that appeared after every attack. She would place her hand on them and watch them slowly crumble. She fought to keep them looking strong from the outside, fixing every flaw, but she knew those walls wouldn't hold much longer and that, when they fell, no one would be safe. 

All your life

The bride walked down the aile towards her soon-to-be husband. His eyes filled with tears when he saw her dressed like that for the first time. Virginia smiled, it was her best friend's wedding, and she was exultant for her. Virginia had go e alone to the wedding, but she never thought it was a big deal, single people go to weddings all the time and nothing ever happens, she had told herself. She soon realized she was wrong. 

At the reception she ended up sitting st a table full of couples, she knew most of them, some were even her friends, and she talked to everyone. However, as the night advanced, she started realizing that despite being surrounded with people she was alone and she felt lonely. The loneliness was so suffocating, at one point, that she had to get out and find a quiet corner to calm down. She would be okay, she told herself, she was just a bit overwhelmed. She returned to the reception and did her best to appear normal, but the uneasiness grew to the point her heart hurt in a physical way. 

She needed to leave before she went crazy. As soon as she sat on her car she broke into tears. Would she ever feel a love like that? Would she ever love someone so much as to cry of love? Would anyone ever stare at her as if there was nothing else in the universe? Or would she die without knowing what real love felt like? Would she die without having anyone love her? She calmed down fir long enough to start the car and take the road, yet her head was somewhere else. What if she didn't deserve to be loved? What if she was the one who was sabotaging her own chances? What if she herself didn't think she was worthy of being loved? Some bright lights brought her back to the real world, the lights of a truck that crashed into her as she had changed lames without realizing so. And Virginia died without having ever felt love. Without knowing what it really was. 

6/23/2015

Friends you can't hug

During our lives we meet tons of people and we make lots of friends. There are several kinds of friends, but in the end it all comes down to two kinds: friends you have meet in real life and friends you have made on the internet. 

Some years ago telling someone you had met someone on the internet would get you all kind of strange stares, it still feels weird to refer to some people I have never met as friends, but they are. During this last year and something I have met many extraordinary people thanks to Twitter, thanks to the writing community on Twitter. It's funny how some of these friendships started, by replying to someone else and getting caught in conversations that lasted for hours and didn't make any sense. 

Thanks to that I have friends who share silly pictures with me, or slip funny gifs on our conversations. Friends who send me virtual hugs whenever I'm feeling down. Friends who feel happy for me when I have good news. Friends who read my stories, sometimes, and they even share them, if they like them. I also have a friend who worries for me even when she can't be in touch, who knows how I feel, and who gives me the strenght to battle anxiety. And a friend with whom I can share my craziest story ideas and is non-judgemental about them, who posts the best stories ever on his blog, and who is the co-creator of #NaTheWriMo which will help us write the Thesis (somehow). I have friends I haven't talked in a while, and friends I talk almost every day. And a friend I want to talk to every day, a friend who sometimes makes me so mad I never want to talk to again, and at the same time I miss so much that it hurts, a friend with whom I talk about everything I could talk with someone, but that at the same time I don't dare to ask for help, because I feel I'm needy. A friend that makes me hate the distance separing us and who sometimes makes me wonder what would happen if it didn't exist. A friend who has made me better, in a way. 

But in the end, all of them are friends I can't hug even though I wish I could. And I want to thank you all for being my friends and being there for me through the distance. And I just can hold the hope that one day you'll stop being the "friends I can't hug" and become the "friends I can finally hug". 

6/22/2015

All the "I love you"

In our relationship, I was the one who had her heart on her sleeve. I was the one who said "I love you" first, and I was actually the only one who said it at all. I knew you loved me, you proved it. But you never said it. You would reply with a smirk and kiss me on the lips. Whenever I explained you my feelings, you simply said: "I know".

I knew you couldn't voice your feelings like I did, that you never learnt how to. That it would take some time and all my love to help you. I knew you were scarred, and those scars take long to heal. However, there is only so much someone can take, and there was so much I could endure before I got tired. After years of fighting for your love, for fighting for both of us, for hoping you would tell me how you felt. After years of guessing. After years of suffering. I told you I couldn't do it anymore, and you didn't say anything.

Now, after one year you've come back. And you've told me all you never told me, and I don't know what to do. You've come like a flood. You called me and told me you needed to see me, like that. And also just like that you let everything out, all the words. All the "I love you". All that I had been hoping for years. Did I still want it? Was it too late?

Bridesmaid

There was an annoying noise in her bedroom, like an alarm clock, but worse, and it wouldn't stop. She blindly looked for its source and her hand stumbled on her phone which buzzed on her hand.

-Phoenix, where the hell are you?- it sounded like Llinos, but Phoenix couldn't be sure as she was still half asleep.

-Hmm?

-For fuck's sake, Phoenix! You're late to the hairdresser's appointment!

Oh! That. True, it was Eurwen's wedding and she was a bridesmaid. She took a glance to the clock on her nightstand and realized that she was very late.

-I'm coming, Lli! Don't worry.- she said as she jumped out of the bed, her feet getting caught on the sheets.

-You're still home, aren't you?- Llinos knew her friend, and how she could never ever be on time.

-No, I'm not, I promise.

Phoenix rushed to the shower and washed herself as well as she could in two minutes. Her hair was still soaking wet when she arrived at the hairdresser's and her stomach protested as she hadn't had time to eat anything. Llinos shoved her unceremoniously into a chair so they could start getting her ready. All the other bridesmaids were already done and were nibbling on some cookies. Phoenix ogled at them hungrily, but it would have been difficult to eat while having the hairdresser try to yank all her hair off her head. Instead, she stared miserably at the mirror to see how her wild red curls became a tame cascade of silky copper hair. Phoenix sighted, would they ever learn that silky hair lasted a heartbeat on her? After half an hour more of pulling and detangling she was done. All the other bridesmaids had already put their gowns on and that was when she realized she had made a terrible mistake. The look of panic on her face didn't go unnoticed.

-No! No! Tell me you haven't forgotten your dress at home!- Llinos shrieked.

Phoenix bit her lip and nodded.

-Don't worry, I'll catch up with you at the church.

-I promise I'm going to kill you as soon as this is over.

Phoenix waved at her and sprinted back to her house. The dress was hanging on her closet, completely wrinkled. Well, she didn't have time to do anything about it. She put it on destroying her hairdo on the process. Where had she left the shoes? They had to be somewhere. After looking for them for ten minutes, she found them under a pile of bags on the living room. Did she need anything else? Her handbag! Luckily, that was the only thing she had prepared beforehand. She hurried to the church and cursed herself when she saw that the bride was already there, she would need to sneak up through the laterals. As she was approaching the gates, a strange cracking sound started. Phoenix stopped, startled, and saw how large cracks appeared on the walls of the church. In less than a minute, the walls crumbled entombing everyone that was inside.

6/20/2015

Mungo

Mungo looked down at his feet and saw his claws were dirty, he was embarassed about it, but he was also embarassed about being where he was. In front of him the therapist waited for him to reply to her question. He avoided it a bit longer and looked at the clearing where they had agreed to meet. There was no one else around, some birds flew over their heads.

-Mungo, I asked you something. 

He turned his head around and looked at her face so alike to his mother's, it was comforting. It was a good face, and she didn't have stains of grass around her mouth like his younger sisters tended to do. 

-Yes. 

-I will repeat it. Why are you feeling sad? 

-Because,...-he looked down.-No one likes me and they seem scared of me. I don't have any friends.-he fiddled with his tiny frontpaws. 

-Have you ever done anything to make them scared? 

-No! They don't even talk to me, they see me and run away. I thought everyone loved Triceratops, but no one will come close to me.  

The Triceratops therapist sighed. Mungo was a depressed little dinosaur, also a deluded one. 

-Mungo, look at me, do you look like I do? 

She saw his oversized head tilt while he intensely stared at her. She understood why people were scared of him, even if he was still very young. 

-Yes. I am like you. 

The therapist shook her large horned head. 

-No, you are not.-she paused for a second trying to find the best words to break the news to him.-You are adopted. 

-I know. My real mommy died and my other mommy took care of my egg when she found it near her nest. 

-You also know you're not a Triceratops, do you? 

-Of course I'm a Triceratops, what else could I be? 

She would need to tell him, just to make him face the consequences of being who he was. 

-A Tyrannosaurus. 

His mouth fell open, showing all those pointy teeth with grass between them. 

-No! They are bad! I'm not bad! I'm a good dinosaur! 

-Mungo, you're a Tyrannosaurus and that's why everyone is scared of you. 

-But, I'm good! The other dinosaurs have to see it, I never ate anyone, I just want to make friends. 

Tears piled on his eyes as he helplessly tried to reach them with his tiny arms.  

6/18/2015

I told you so

When people first met Dagrun they always thought of her as a sweet shy girl. Her petite frame and warm green eyes only intensified her image of innocence. However, with time, her true self would surface and she would become the snarky cynical who hated spending time with people that she was. She would joke about everything not worrying if it was politically correct, and when she was really comfortable she would joke about murdering people. Some times, specific people, even, who would laugh it off and think about it as an eccentricity of hers, she clearly liked reading crime novels a bit too much. 

One Friday evening, a colleague of Dragun returned to the office to retrieve some documents he would need to work over the weekend. He was surprised to see light in Dragur's office and went to check on her. He opened the door and saw someone sitting on the chair, their back to the entrance, whoever it was it was clearly not Dragun. He walked up to them and put a hand on their shoulder to ask what were they doing there. As soon as he touched him, as it happened to be a man, he lost balance and fell on the table, lifeless, a deep gash opening his throat. At the same time the door closed and a key clicked locking it. He turned around, violently, and his eyes met with Dragun's smiling at him. She was carrying a heavy knife, still dripping blood. 

-What?!

-I told you so. I told all of you. Every time one of you annoyed me I would tell you one day I was going to kill you all. And you just laughed. And I became more annoyed. He just happened to be the most annoying of you all. 

-And now you're going to kill me.- he realized he had no escape, her eyes were shinning with determination, but he wouldn't go down without a fight, he couldn't go down without a fight. 

She smiled at him mockingly. She had realized her victim had other ideas. She took off her cardignan and used it to clean up the blood staining the blade. 

-There are two options here, we do it my way and you die quickly, or we do it your way and you die in the worst pain you have ever experienced. 

-You don't need to kill me, don't you know? 

-Oh, it's not about needing it's about wanting. And I happen to want to kill you very much, right now. Unfortunately, I don't have much time so do us both a favor and be nice and quiet. 

He slowly approached her, she was tiny, maybe he could take the knife of her hands. He jumped at her and found himself lying on his back on the floor in a swift movement. She was on top of him, holding him still while with a surgeon's precision she resected some tendons making him completely unable to move. He screamed for ten minutes straight, while Dragun stared at him boredly. When his throat was raw and he couldn't voice any other words, she smiled creepily and carresed his cheek with the cold flat of the knife

-Your way it is. Get comfortable, this is going to be long. 

If he could have screamed, he would. As he would have during the two hours that it took for Dragun to kill him. 

6/16/2015

Starlight

The night was chill, after a warm day, there was no one around the alleys of that tiny Mediterranean town. The sea washed on the shore, making the anchored boats rock softly. All the lights were out and a thousand million stars twinkled on the clear skies. There was no moon, but no one needed it either. The smell of jasmine and gardenia floated throughout, entwined with the sea breeze. If you listened carefully you could hear the soft breathing of the townfolk, deep in their sleep. 

No one was awake to see Aegle get out of her house, stark naked, and walk the streets reflecting the light of the stars. Her long silver hair brushed against her tights cascading down her back and over her breasts. She had lived there since before the town was build, yet no one had ever seen her. She stopped by a gardenia plant and picked a flower, she smelled it and put it behind her ear white against her silver hair and tan skin. She continued her walk towards the sea catching glimpses of some dreams, she liked children's more, they were more wild, less restrained. It was a sad thing when children grew, they would lose the power of imagination, of wonder. 

In the town's square there was a wishing well and the coins whispered the wishes back to her. Aegle was surprised by how many were "I wish they will love me back", humans were strange creatures, they would rather confide their love to a well than to the person they loved. Underneath all the wishes there was something stronger, however, it was the water calling to her. She descended the stepped alleys into the beach. The sea smiled at her, the sea breeze kissed her skin and played with her hair. She walked slowly into the water and merged with it, two independent beings acting like one. Aegle didn't create ripples or splashes, she became one with the sea. She twisted and rolled under the waves with the current. She swam for hours with only the stars and the sea creatures as witnesses, as it had to be. Before the sunrise she parted from the sea, from her lover. Her hair was dry as she broke out of the water, and her step was so light there were no footprints on the sand. When the sun came up Aegle was back in her house and the only proof of her night excursion was a gardenia that had washed on the shore. 

6/15/2015

A Cry for Help

You told me I could count on you, no matter what, you told me that you'd be within an arm's reach to keep me on my feet. I remember your smile as you wiped the tears from my eyes with your thumbs caressing my wet cheeks in the process. I remember how much I thought I loved you. You're still within an arm's reach, you still have that warm smile, and I still love you. Still, now that anxiety has taken control of my life, now that I have no feelings other than bursts of stress, now that I need you, I can't reach out to you. It's not that you are not willing to help, I know you are. It's just that I don't know how to ask for it. Even if I need you more than I have ever needed anyone, I can't say the words. You are happy and smiling and within an arm's reach, and I can't say the words that would let you know the chaos inside me. I can't say the words that would make me feel better. And I can't because I don't want to annoy you, because I think you must already have your problems and that you don't need mine. I just can't make a cry for help. 

6/13/2015

Would you?

They met by accident, she literally ran into while during her run by the beach and he recklessly crossed her path. It all ended in a pile: her, him, his camera. 

-Oh, sorry.-she said helping him back on his feet.-Is it broken? 

-Uh, what? Oh, the camera.-he gave it a quick look.-No, it's okay. And, if anything, it's my fault not yours. 

She smiled and he knew she was the love of his live. How did he know? He couldn't tell, he just knew. 

-Nanna.-he looked at her confused.-My name. 

-Oh, sure. Doran.-he introduced himself

They shook hands, which seemed a bit awkward taking into account how they had met. 

-Can I invite you to coffee or something?- Doran asked. 

-Sure, let me shower first, though. 

Doran's heart broke a bit, thinking he would never see her again despite having agreed to meet half an hour later. He sat on a table, sulking, glaring at the door and at his watch, convinced Nanna wouldn't go. When she entered the cafe, he didn't recognize her, not until she grabbed the chair in front of him and sat. She was wearing a summer dress and had her hair down in loose waves. His stomach twitched, his first impression had been good. They had coffee while letting the other know details of their life, and before agreeing to meet another time, Nanna made a strange question:

-Would you leave everything behind, if I asked you to?

-Yes.-Doran replied, wondering why was she asking that. 

She smiled and gave him her number asking him to call her. They dated for a couple of hears before moving in together. Doran still couldn't believe his luck, she really was the woman of his life, in more ways that he could have imagined. They had lived together for almost six months when, one evening, Nanna arrived home excited and bright-eyed. She had been feeling a bit apathetic and it was a good change. 

-We are moving to Iceland!- she announced. 

Doran was paralyzed. Did he just hear what he thought he had heard? 

-What? 

-I got accepted for a job in Iceland. I have been living in this city for far too long, it's starting to take me down. We still have a month to make the preparations, though. 

-But,... I've lived here all my life! 
-Do you remember when we first met? I asked you whether you'd leave everything behind if I asked you to. You said yes. Now, I'm asking you exactly that, to move away, to start anew. Will you come with me? 

Doran considered for a bit, was he brave enough to leave all that he knew for the woman he loved? 

-No.- he finally said.  

6/09/2015

How was your day?

As usual, I arrive to the office before anyone. The sun is not even up and I'm already running around. I made a to-do list on the bus after checking my email, and I need to sit down and sort it by priorities. The computer protests when I turn it on, it didn't get enough sleep, either. I tap my fingers on the table while waiting for it to start. After I type my password, I check my schedule, a two-hour meeting at 11. Exactly what I needed. I open the word processor and start working on an unfinished project while music beats from my headphones. When the first of my coworkers arrive I've worked for an hour and a half and the project is almost finished. I simply nod at him in acknowledgement, he knows better than to disturb me when I'm focused. I work non-stop, ignoring everyone else, until it's time for the meeting. It turns out to be one of those stupid meetings in which nothing is decided and I spent my time rueing the work time I'm losing. I have lunch on my desk while replying to the emails I received during the meeting. My boss sends me more work, I add it to the to-do list before moving to the following item.  At one point in the afternoon I feel hungry and realize it's already 6pm. I decide to work for a couple more hours and then order delivery when I get home. At 8pm I begrudgingly part from my work, thinking that one minute spent away from it is going to be an extra minute I'll need to work another day. On my way home I still think of work and I almost miss my stop. 

I open the door of my apartment, wondering how many hours will I actually spend inside when I see him sitting on the sofa. He looks exactly like he did when he left seven months ago, except he sports a tan now. He stands up and smiles. I jump into his open eyes and start sobbing. 

-How was your day?- he hasn't forgotten I love when he asks that. 

-It's better now. 

6/07/2015

Eerie

It was early morning in Montmartre, the sun had always gone up and there was almost no one on the streets. It had rained the day before and the air felt fresh against my skin, it was a nice change after the previous warm days. Water ran down the cobbled streets and I had to skip around it not to get my feet wet. It made me happy. Sacré CÅ“ur saluted me from in between the houses, a glimpse of the white basilica. I arrived to the feet of the steps that lead to it. Grey, green, white, blue. Those should be the colors of my flag, should I ever have one. I started climbing the steps, slowly, lightly, more a caress than a real step. A couple of men ran up and down the stairway, I smiled, noded, and said 'Bonjour'. They noded as response. In the meantime Sacré CÅ“ur called me from the top "Viens" it whispered, as if I needed any kind of encouraging. 

I arrived on top and see Paris at my feet. It is just waking up, but it didn't matter because it is when it's more beautiful, at early morning and at night. I walked around Sacré CÅ“ur making the pigeons take flight before me, my eyes up to where the white stone and the blue sky meet. I walked the cobbled streets alone, feeling the eeriness of the place. All the shops and restaurants were closed, the street artists were just setting up their stalls. I smiled at them, and at everyone I saw. An occasional 'Bonjour', a nod of the head. I still walked slowly, wishing I could walk around barefoot to feel Montmartre on the sole of my feet, wanting to touch the walls to read them with the tips of my fingers. I went up and down the hills, up and down stairways. 

On a hidden alley I caught glimpse of a young girl, she had long blond curly hair and was dressed in something I can't describe in another way than being the color of the wind. She was dancing on the street, twirling mindlessly, sparkling somehow. I smiled at her and she stopped startled. 

'Est-ce que tu peux me voir?' Her voice was soft and she spoke in a singsong. 

I nodded, of course I could see her, why shouldn't I. She signaled me to get closer and I crouched to be at the level of her eyes, they were of the color of the sky. 

'Shh! Je suis la magie de Paris.' She whispered into my ear before placing a hand above my heart. 

As soon as she touched me I knew she was saying the truth, an incomparable feel of warmth filled me up. 

'Merci' was all I could say before she disappeared again. 

In the early morning in Montmartre I had found the magic of Paris and thanks to that I would always have a piece of it in my heart. 





6/05/2015

Paris

It was a lovely late spring day in Paris. He had been watching her for the whole day, he had seen her walk with light steps, like a ballerina, her head high, a bright smile on her face, her eyes sparkling. She was ready to fall in love. He had followed her as she wandered around the Latin Quarter, getting lost. He had seen her breathe sunshine in the Jardins de Luxembourg, closing her eyes for a moment, ignoring everyone around, she sat by the fountain for a moment feeling the freshness of water nearby. From there she walked down to Saint Michel and the world stopped around her, a silent tear of happiness escaped her and she let it stream down her tanned cheek. After a while she returned to real world and browsed around the stalls by the Seine before walking into Notre-Dame. Inside the cathedral the colored light played tricks with her eyes. He was also there when she shivered at the sight of thousands of books in Shakespeare and Company, how she walked in awe around it, picking books up as if they were fragile items, reading one of the old books on the top floor. 

As she walked out of the bookshop he approached her. He was tall, had tousled light brown hair, and green-mottled caramel eyes. He had to talk to her. 

-Did you enjoy the shop?- he asked her. 

-I did, a lot. Is it yours? 

-In a way.- there was something familiar in his smile. 

-You’re not Parisian.

-I’m not, but I have lived here for a long time. Would you like me to show you around? 

-Yes.- she said after thinking about it for a minute. 

He offered his arm to her, and she lightly placed her hand on his forearm. They walked around the quais by the Seine, surrounded by people enjoying the rare summery day. They crossed the stone bridges, simply wandering around. He explained her the story of the city, which he seemed to know really well. He took her to the Tulleries where she stopped listening but held tightly to him overcome with emotion. By sunset they had climbed up to Montmatre and were sitting on the stone steps in Sacré-Coeur. The lights of the city were lit up and none of them needed to say anything, he had his arm around her waist and she had her head on his shoulder. Her mind was completely lost, and he was focused on her happiness. 

-It’s time for me to go.- he said. 

She softly caressed his cheek and kissed him on the lips. It was a sweet kiss, charged of romanticism. And he knew he had been right all along, she was ready to fall in love. And that he had been wrong all the time, she had already fallen in love but not with a person, with Paris. 

-Will I see you again?- she asked. 
-I’m sure you will.- he said before kissing her again and bidding farewell. 

The following morning she woke up to the news that Saint Michel statue had gone missing for some hours the previous afternoon at broad daylight, but it had been restored at some point of the night. The TV showed a close up of the statue, that familiar smirk on his face. 



6/02/2015

To-do List

It was the last summer we were going to spend together. We were finishing college that year and decided to take a whole month of vacations before setting off to our destinies. Belinda had a beach house in a town by the Mediterranean sea, and we all went there to enjoy the sun and the last truly carefree days of our lives. It was six of us, four girls and two boys, we had met in school, but not all of us majored in the same. Belinda majored in French, just as I did. She was extroverted where I was shy, voluptuous where I was scrawny. Anne had been her roommate during Freshman's year, she studied Chemistry and was the only one who was returning to school after the summer. She was so sarcastic she was caustic. There was also Jess, she seemed to think that everything was a joke, she has studied History, but took one thousand different classes so no one really knew what she had actually studied. Or if she had studied at all. And finally the twins, Daryl and Mel, I had known them for three years and still couldn't tell them apart, they were really sure of themselves and they brought equilibrium to the group. 

We had that beach house all to ourselves, the pool, the terrace, everything. The first thing we did when we arrived was change into our bathing suits and head to the pool. There, by the water, Belinda proposed to do a "to-do" list for our vacations. Everyone agreed, and, as I was the only one who had a notebook in hand, I was tasked with writing it all down. There was everything from "try new food" to "go to a nudist beach", at one point one of the twins proposed "fall in love". As I wrote down those words I wondered, did any of us really know what love means? Does anyone really know what love means? A strange feeling sprung inside of me, like chills in my soul. Had I ever been in love? I was brought back to reality by some cheeky comment by Anne. 

I spent that month wondering about love. At first it was about the general meaning of it, yet time and again I found myself thinking about the same person while reflecting about the feeling. Was that love? Did it mean that I loved them? I somehow tried to convince myself it wasn't, but I needed to face the truth, it was indeed love. Should I tell them? What would happen? I was awkward and had never told anyone I loved them. The vacations were reaching their end and I had to take a decision urgently. 

Two nights before our departure, I found the right moment. We had gone to the beach to bathe under the moonlight. While everyone swam I sat by the fire, playing with the firewood, staring at the dance of the flames. Belinda sat next to me. 

-Don't you want to come in the water?-she asked while draining out her long brown hair. 

-I like it here. 

-You've been silent lately.- I smiled at that statement.- More than usually, I mean. 

-It's just,... 

-What? 

I played with one of my curls, still staring at the fire. 

-Do you remember the list we made on the first day? How one of the twins said that we had to fall in love over this month? I have fallen in love. But not over this month. I was in love before but I never realized. It was only when I started to think about love that I realized so. And now I'm scared. I never knew love could make you afraid, but it has. I'm scared of losing the person I love, forever. 

I was silently crying at that point and Belinda came closer and put an arm over my shoulder. I shivered. 

-Who is it? You can tell me. 

Could I? She was my best friend, but could I really tell her? I swallowed, I had to tell her, there was no point in hiding it anymore. 

-You.- I whispered. 

At first I thought she hadn't heard me. I turned my face to hers and saw how she was intently staring at the fire. 

-Belinda?

-I,... I don't know what to say Cindy. I love you, only not like that. You're like a sister to me, and that's why I will always love you, but I can't give you what you want. 

She hugged me and went back to the water. We both pretended nothing had happened and promised each other we would keep in contact. We never did. That was seven years ago. 

The other day I met Belinda again. She was still the same, I am the one who has changed. She almost didn't recognize me, my hair short, and my belly showing the early signs of pregnancy. We went for coffee. 

-I didn't know you lived here.- she told me. 

-We just moved. New life, new job, new everything.-I said softly patting my belly. 

-Oh, you and your husband must come to my place, then! We have to celebrate that we are back together after all this time.- Belinda said cheerfully. 

-Wife.- I corrected her. 

-What?- she seemed disoriented for a second. 

-My wife Dasha and I will be delighted to come to your place. 

She stared at her coffee cup, trying to find the words that wouldn't come to her. 

-I could have been that wife.- she whispered softly. 

-You didn't love me like I did.- I shrugged my shoulders, past was past. 

-What if I did? What if I wasn't brave enough to admit it? What if I still do?

Was she saying what I thought she was saying? 

-I never thought I'd say that but now it's too late. I love Dasha and I'm going to raise a child with her. You will find love with someone else, I know it. 

I reached for her hand across the table and squeezed it. She would be okay, I was still her best friend after all.