7/21/2015

Drown

The room was warm even in the early morning Zsuzsanna woke up sweating, not only from the heat but from the nightmare she just had. She couldn't remember anything about it, but she knew it was a bad dream. Upset she got out of bed doing her best not to wake up Ida, got dressed and headed to the beach for a quick morning swim. That was what she loved the most of living by the sea, being able to go whenever she wanted, specially during early mornings. The water was cold and the salt stung on the mosquito bites from the night before. She dove under the waves and swam for half an hour, when she went back to the beach she felt renewed, with no trace of the nightmare. 

Ida was already up when Zsuzanna returned. She had prepared coffee and breakfast. Zsuzsanna kissed her cheek and headed to the shower. Her girlfriend still hadn't started breakfast when she got out of the bathroom wrapped with a towel. 

-Aren't you hungry?- she asked unwrapping the towel to use it to dry her hair. 

-Zsu,... 

Zsuzsanna didn't like that tone. 

-What?- she asked crossing her arms over her bare breasts. 

-I'm leaving. This is over. When you come back from work there won't be anything left of me in here. 

-Why? 

-I don't love you anymore. 

So, that was it. Zsuzsanna ate her breakfast, got dressed, and left, all in silence. She couldn't bear to talk to Ida anymore, her heart cracked in two. Work didn't go much better, with her having to skip lunch trying to save a dying project and leaving late, frustrated and exhausted. 

On her way home she realized something; she had only been happy in one moment during the whole day, and it had been when she was swimming. She headed to the beach straight from work, left her bag on the beach and stripped from her clothes, leaving a trail of them on the sand. She walked into the water until her head wasn't above the water anymore. That was where she belonged. She let all the air out of her lungs and welcomed in the rush of water, letting herself drown, letting herself stay in her happy place. 

7/19/2015

Getaway

The first rays of the sun on her skin woke her up. She had left her tent open and the dew of the night had slipped inside leaving water drops on her sleeping bag. The birds had started singing and she decided to welcome the day with them. She had camped in the mountains by a lake. It was late summer and she was the only one around. She had the lake to herself. She undressed and walked barefoot, feeling the wet grass under her feet, the crisp air against her bare skin. The sun was rising behind the mountains, turning thr ice caps into golden illusions. The lake was still dark blue, instead of the turquoise it became when the sun was up. She walked to the sandy shore and dipped her feet in the water, it was surprisingly warm, she kept walking feeling the water lick her body, and then she dived in. She swam in the clean waters, her long hair trailing behind her, she held her breath underwater until she felt the need for air, and then she broke the water surface. She looked around, the forest in front of her, where she had camped, glistening under the rising sun, the one behind her still in the shade, darker, more misterious. And far away the waterfall that had perpetual mist at its base, the waterfall that smelled like condensed dreams. She let herself float and stared at the sky, it was clear, the purest blue, at night it was full of stars, so many that she felt she could reach the with her hands. She wished she could stay in there forever, away from the people, away from her responsabilities. Only her, the forest, the lake, and that sky that let her forget about everything else. 

7/07/2015

Savior

It's really hot in the city. The sun is blazing, and, despite of it, people are on full force on the streets. There's some sea breeze that's not enough to disipate the sticky heat. The shadows and fountainsides are coveted spaces. People from a hundred different countries sit on the terraces, drinking beer, eating ice-cream, talking in their hundred different languanges. 

She walks down the crowded streets. Her streets. She knows each of them as if they were herself and that's why she has her head high, her eyes almost on the sky. She sees details no one sees, the shadows on the spires of Santa Maria del Mar, the metalwork on the balconies in el Born, how the wind plays with the fire at el Fossar de les Moreres. She catches glimpses of the lives of the people who have taken her city prisoner, a couple sharing a snack, children taking pictures of their parents, a group of old ladies who must have been friends for all their lives. She also sees some of the regulars; the violin players filling the streets and squares with music, some new guitar players. They remind her of the bass player she used to see during winter, had he gone away or was he just hiding from the heat? 

She walks at the rythm of the music on her earphones. Sometimes she mouths the lyrics, a smile on her face. She smiles all the time, and smiles at people too. She sees a young man who looks particularly sad and gives him her brightest smile, no one should be sad in a city like that. The man returns a half-smile, still sad, but with a spark of hope in his eyes. 

He sees her smile and decides there're still good things in the world, that maybe his life is still worth living. He follows her with his stare as she continues her way through the alleys behind the cathedral, oblivious of her good act. Not knowing she had just saved a life. 

7/05/2015

Hair

It's late at night and I'm lying in bed trying to fall asleep. I have just had a shower and my hair is still wet; I comb it with my fingers. It is short, comfortable, yet I think about letting it grow, about having long hair again. Every now and then I think about growing my short cut out, but I can never compromise. It would be nice having long hair again, however. Nicer still having someone who would play with it while lying by my side in bed. Someone who plays with my hair and loves me, and looks at me as if I were the best thing in the world. Someone who takes of my clothes with the same expectation as a child opening a present on Christmas. Someone who squeezes my hand in reassurance. 

My fingers get tangled in my hair and I can smell the shampoo on them. I definitely should let my hair grow, have it tickle my back and my shoulders. Hide my face behind it when I'm too shy for a direct stare, and have someone put it behind my ears telling me off because they can't see my eyes. And smile through all that tangled hair. Go to the beach and let it dry, wild, untamed, full of sea salt, blond and red streaks after the sun has kissed it. And braid it when it's hot. And spread it over the pillow at night. And tangle my fingers in it. And have someone else tangle their fingers in it. 

I should let my hair grow. 

7/04/2015

Not the only one

She fidgeted nervously while he was pouring himself coffee; she wanted to tell him something but was afraid of his reaction. He remained oblivious of her nervousness, it always took him longer to be fully awake in the morning, he was a night owl. They were sitting at the kitchen of the loft they had been sharing for two years since they moved in together. Before that they had dated for a year. He stirred his coffee slowly, almost falling asleep over the cup. 

-I want to tell you something.- she said, unable to wait for one more second.-But promise me you won't say anything before I finish. 

-Cynthia, I'm too sleepy to talk, right now, you can tell me anything and I won't interrupt. 

-Promise, Dean. 

He rolled his eyes. 

-Pinky promise?-she glared at him, so he corrected himself.-Ok, ok, I promise. 

-When we started dating, we talked a lot about sexuality, as you might remember. You were the first guy I dated who didn't feel belittled by the fact that I am bisexual. You told me you understood me, that you supported me. And I loved you for that. And I still do. Yet, I have fallen in love with someone else.- Dean was on the verge of interrupting her, staring at her like an abandoned puppy.-Nothing has happened, because I wanted to come clear to you. And because I want you to understand that just because I have started loving her, it doesn't mean that I have stopped loving you. I still love you like I did, and I still want your love if you're willing to keep loving me. Yet, I also love her, because her love is different. I believe love is not a finite resource and that you can love more than one person at the same time. But I also believe all the parts must know. And that's why I am telling you. 

Dean looked at her confused. 

-What do you want me to tell you? 

-I only want to know if you'd be okay with it. With me having a romantic relationship with someone else. 

-Let me think about it.- he said before heading to the shower. 

Cynthia stared at the dirty mug wondering whether she had done the right thing or had doomed her relationship with him. 

Mirror

Alice faced the mirror, she had brought a pile of clothes into the fitting room knowing, beforehand, that she would hate all of them. She had struggled with body issues for years, yet she had never hated her body as much as she did at that moment. People told her she was beautiful, but her eyes would jump from flaw to flaw ignoring everything everyone else saw. 

She stripped down to her underwear and tried on the first dress. She didn't even put it on all the way through before deciding she didn't like it, that it made her look fat. Disappointed she took it off. The second dress didn't even fit. By the third dress she would have betted that her reflection was laughing at her. By the fourth she knew. Her image on the mirror had a mocking smile and a condescending stare. It didn't say anything, but she heard the words in her brain. 

"You're hideous. Look at your face, you look like someone ten years older. Look at your disgusting tights, at your flabby abdomen, your flat ass. You belong to the circus, not to the street." 

Alice clenched her fists. She had though all that before, she felt all of it was true, but not this crudely. 

"No wonder no one ever loves you. You can pass for a decent girl when you're dressed, but as soon as you undress,... I'm surprised any of them stayed for the night." 

Getting undressed in front of people always made her anxious, and made her wonder whether they also saw all the flaws she focused on. 

"And on top of being ugly as fuck, you're also the most uninteresting person ever. People talk to you out of pity, like they would take care of a dying dog, but no one really likes you."

Tears ran down Alice's cheeks leaving traces of makeup on their way down. Her reflection laughed and pointed and Alice couldn't help it anymore and jumped at it. 

The shop assistant opened the fitting room when she realized no one had come out for a long time. There was a pile of clothes on a stool, including the clothes Alice was wearing when she entered the shop. He shook his head. 

-Where did she go?

On the other side of the mirror Alice was desperately trying to go back to her world, no one could see her, however, as she had fallen into a world where only reflections existed.  

7/01/2015

Elevator

"Ding". The elevator doors opened in front of me. I didn't want to get in, but there was no other way up. There was some people inside, but it was large and I had enough room to breathe. I had to go to the top floor, and on its way up more and more people got in taking my precious breathing room. Even when I thought no one else could fit in, more people climbed in, and I got pushed against the wall. I started having problems to breathe, and felt as if someone were stabbing me with a blunt knife. I needed to get out, but I couldn't, the people inside the elevator told me I had to stay, that I had to get to my floor. That was when I started crying and hyperventilating, I needed to get out, I was going to die in there and no one was doing anything to help me. If there had been enough space I would have gotten on my knees, but there wasn't, I was pinned against the wall. I wanted to scream and kick, and, just when I thought I would pass out, I woke up. 

Lucio was by my side, awake, worriedly staring at me. 

-It's okay.- he said putting his hand on my forehead.-You're safe now.