DIY: the PhD Edition. Chapter V: Vac...what?

Dear fellow sufferer,

I see you thriving, loving the PhD life (I can't see shit, but I kind of want to think that you're well, or that you're reading me at all). Last week, we talked about having students under your supervision, so I assume that you're perfectly able to handle students. Today we are going to talk about something else, something mythological, something some people believe doesn't exist. Vacations. And holidays. And weekends.

Let's see, if you're doing any type of experimental work there is a high probability of you having to go to the lab during holidays, weekends, or the whole summer. Here's a guide on how to stay sane in each situation.

You have to go to the lab on a weekend/holiday

1. For how long do you have to go? Do you have to stay there for long? Short experiments are a blessing, but also a curse if you live far away from the lab. Long experiments can also mean long waiting hours, so my advice is that you either find something to do close to the lab if there's nothing to do, bring something fun, you can read papers, sure, but it's the weekend.

2. Even if you think there's no one, there will be someone, and you will be scared. Or there will be no one and you will be scared by the noises the equipment makes. You will be scared, so don't go at night.

3. Everyone will ask you why are you in the lab instead of being with your friends. And you will say "work" and no one will understand. Also, get ready to arrive late to family celebrations because you will.

You have to work during the summer

1. It's really the best time to be in the lab, so don't whine. Seriously, it's quiet, there's no one, you have everything for yourself.

2. Labs have AC, therefore, FREE AC.

3. It's much cheaper to go abroad out of the summer holidays period. And there are fewer people, but maybe that's because I'm antisocial.

See? It's much better to work when no one is working!

On body image

I tweaked the look of my blog today and I thought it would be a good idea to write a post on body image. I have been thinking about writing one for some time, so today is a day as good as any. 

When I was a tween I was chubby (as I have said before), had lots of acne everywhere, had braces, and I was flat as a post. Let's just say that my "awkward years" stretched for a long time and were very very awkward. And, of course, my classmates never considered me to be pretty, I was the nerd, an ugly nerd on top of that. I don't know if it was only in my school, but the girls from my class were obsessed with good looks, at 12. One time, one of them wrote: "You'll be prettier next year" on my "yearbook". I was eleven. ELEVEN. And that was all she could think of. Anyway, I did have a really bad case of acne, not a clinical case, but I was embarrassed to show my back in public, I would even wear shirts to the beach. My biggest worry was that my back would be covered in scars and I wouldn't be able to wear a strapless dress for my wedding (can we all please laugh at this?).

Once I started "becoming a woman" (as grandmas like to call it) I had some stretch marks appear on my skin. My first thought was that they would get worse when I became pregnant (yeah, like that is going to happen soon). When I was old enough to start considering sex (which was probably embarrassingly late, but I was always more worried about studying), I was convinced that no one would ever want to get in bed with me because my body was flawed. During my life, I have struggled with body image. I've thought I'm too hairy, that my skin is not soft enough, that I'm too fat, that I'm too pale, that my ribs are too visible, that my tights are too wide, and my arms too flabby.

Guess what? I've forgotten most of it. I wear tank tops and sleeveless shirts most of the time. I lost lots of weight to the point you could count my ribs through my back, but I've gained some back including some badass muscle mass both on my arms and my legs. I still have never had anyone tell me to get dressed and get out after they have taken my clothes off.

We, as women, are told how our bodies should look. All the time. Our bodies must not show our age, our bodies must not show our lives. Our bodies have to look and be flawless to the point of perfection. Our bodies only matter if they look like what society says they should look like.

Bullshit. I say bullshit. It's not about what my body looks like, it's what my body can do. My body can walk for hours, my body can swim in the sea, my body can carry weight, my body has run a half-marathon. What if I have scars from pimples? What if I have scars from falling off my bike? What if I have stretch marks? What if there is hair in places where there should be? What if I look pale even if it's August? What if I have tummy fat? What matters to me is that my legs are strong enough to do all they do. That my arms are strong enough to swim in the sea. Soon I will be told that I need to use anti-aging stuff and dye my hair so grey hairs don't show off. Are we this afraid of aging that we need to look like twenty-year-olds all our lives?

I don't. I will embrace my flaws and love my body for what it is. I'll take care of it accepting its changes and finding the beauty in it at every moment. I'm the one who decides how my body should look like and I'm the one who decides that my flaws are not such.

DIY: the PhD Edition. Chapter IV: What? What Do You Mean By "An Undergrad Is Going To Help You"?

Hi, how's your new life going?

I know that thanks to my post from last week you have become a confident first year PhD student. You're crushing it, you have one thousand ideas and can't wait to get results. You feel confident and are ready to tell the world how awesome being a PhD student is. One day your PI calls you, you wonder whether it is to discuss an experiment or to ask you for your progress. No, it isn't about that. They tell you some words that leave you paralyzed in place. "There's an undergrad coming to do an internship at the lab, I think they can really help you. They start on Monday." An undergrad. Under your supervision. You're not ready for this. YOU ARE SO NOT READY FOR THIS. (If you think you are you're either the most arrogant person in the world or LYING.) YOU ARE NOT READY! It wasn't this long when YOU were an undergrad, how are you supposed to be in charge of an undergrad?

Ok, ok, don't panic! Here's a list that might help you.

1. They will be young. They will be very young. And you will feel old, extremely old. Even if they are only two years younger than you. It will be worse if they went to your same university. It's okay, you will be old from now on.

2. They will ask you EVERYTHING. From now on you're the one who knows the things, you're the one who is in charge. Sometimes you won't know what to do and will have to admit it, sometimes you'll feel embarrassed about not knowing something and will pretend you do. And screw up big time.

3. They will need you to give them work. You are the boss, you're the one who calls the shots. Find what they are good in. Ask them whether they plan to do a PhD. Ask them everything, ask them what they like about your field.

4. Set limits. Of course you're going to be friendly, but if they do something wrong you need to tell them. If you don't you'll end up doing the same work two times.

5. Don't be shy to tell things like they are. If they are not working as they should, TELL YOUR PI. You should not put up with someone who is not helping you, not even because you feel bad. If they are not helping they either change or leave.

These are my tips for surviving your first undergrad, you'll get better with time. Or you will care less anyway.

Epiphany

The water around her was cool and she floated on it, completely relaxed. The sound of the waves crashing on the shore nursed her to sleep. She was in complete calm until an aggressive sound intruded. She moved to try to locate the origin of it and woke up in her room. Troy was sleeping by her side, breathing lightly. On the nightstand, her phone rang vibrating and flashing its led light. 

"Beth! Beth! I had an epiphany!" an excited voice shouted excited at the other end of the line. 

Beth checked the hour on her wristwatch.

"Luisa, it's 3 am!" she replied in a sleepy voice.

Troy stirred by her side and opened his eyes. Beth signed him to get back to sleep. 

"Is it?" Luisa didn't seem to care. "It doesn't matter, Beth, I found the one!"

Beth rolled her eyes at that, Luisa had found the one so many times she seemed to have one thousand soul-mates, why would this time be any different?

"You did?" she asked, more sarcastically rather than excitedly. 

"Yes! She's amazing. You have to meet her!"

If Beth had been given one dollar every time Luisa had told her she had to meet someone, she would be rich. 

"I'm happy for you." She said wondering whether she could go back to sleep and leave her friend speaking alone. 

"Beth! That's not everything. I told you I had an epiphany! Think about all the guys I've ever liked or dated, they all were quite feminine. What if the only reason I liked them was because they look like women and I really only like women?"

Beth rolled her eyes again.

"Lu, how drunk are you?"

"I'm not drunk!" Luisa defended herself. 

"Yes, you're. We have talked about this one thousand times already. Every time you like someone you start wondering why did you like other people. And every time I have to remind you that you like whoever you like for the reasons you like them. And to stop drinking. And to stop calling me at 3 am. And that you're a proud bisexual who likes everyone."

"But, Beth!"

"Go to sleep, Luisa. And don't screw it up with this girl, now."

DIY: the PhD Edition. Chapter III: Help! I'm new and I'm panicking!

Hi again,

Yes, I'm also surprised I'm actually writing this post, I never thought I'd make it this far. But here I am.

If you're reading this there is a possibility you read last week's post and you have found the perfect place thanks to my helpful advice (if you've done it in a week, please let me know how have you done it). So now you're about to start your PhD and now you find yourself in a new place with new people who keep asking you how old are you and complaining about them feeling old because these new students keep getting younger. If you're anything like me you're terrified and get anxious at about the possibility to screw up. Don't worry, you're going to screw up a lot, and it won't matter. Anyway, here's the cheat-sheet to get through this.

1. Read. Read a lot. Read everything there is in your field. Read things that are from outside your field but are related somehow.

2. Learn how to use a reference managing software. You will use it a lot, better learn it from the start and use it.

3. Protocols. If you have to use protocols, read them, make schemes, sketches, whatever you want. Memorize them until you can do everything without checking it.

4. Talk to your PI. Learn to talk to them, learn to identify when they can talk to you and when they can't. Don't hesitate to talk to them, you need to be able to tell them when you're feeling down and when you're overworked, you need to be able to ask for a day off if you need it.

5. ASK. You'll have lots of questions. LOTS. Ask. Ask the postdocs, ask the technicians, ask the other students. Usually, last-year PhD students are uber-busy, but they will probably be really eager to help you at any moment. ASK THEM. ASK EVERYONE. Don't be shy.

6. Get to know your way around. You're going to spend a lot of time in there. Learn where the things are, learn the places where you can have lunch at the sun, find a calm spot to have coffee or to wind down after a busy day. Also, you don't want to get lost, or burn in a fire.

I think that pretty much covers it and you should be able to navigate through your first months in there. If you don't cause a fire, that is.

Burning Bridges

Parties are strange places, people get together to celebrate that they are alive, forgetting friendship boundaries for a while and creating new relationships. You can find a soulmate at a party, or meet someone who will be important at some point of your life. You can also be confronted by pieces of your past that you thought to be forgotten. This is the story of one of those parties.

Ema had invited me to her birthday party. I was just out of a bad breakup and had had a hard time socializing, I didn't really want to go, but she insisted. At the accorded hour, I was standing in front of her door carrying a bottle of wine. There was no one I knew in there, so I did the most sensible thing and, after greeting Ema, headed to the kitchen to help out. In the kitchen, there was a girl in a red lace dress, an apron over it, and her hair in a messy bun.

-Awesome! Finally someone is coming to give me a hand.

She pointed to a cake with a red-stained knife.

-Could you please open it in half? After that place the sliced strawberries on top of the bottom half while I whip the cream,...-she left the sentence hanging.

-Liam.- I finished the sentence for her.

-Good, Liam.

In a single move, she placed the knife on the counter and grabbed the strawberry plate which she left in front of me. She spun around and took the cream and a bowl out of the fridge while I just stared at her like an idiot.

-Oh, sorry, here, take a knife.- she started whipping the cream with a manual whip.- Are you here on your own, too? I didn't know anyone so I thought I'd do something in the kitchen until the party really started.

She was an enthusiastic girl and we bonded together, as the outcasts we were. When we finished preparing the cake, she washed her hands and took off the apron. She smiled at me.

-How rude of me! I never introduced myself,... I'm Eos.

Eos. I had heard that name before. She glimpsed recognition on my face and was about to ask me about it when Ema came to the kitchen and snatched her away. She had to meet someone, Ema insisted. Eos had been the name of a former girlfriend of Nathan, one of my best friends, I never met her because I was living away by then, but I had heard lots about her. And it hadn't been pretty, not after they broke up, at least. Still, there could be other Eos in the world, that girl seemed reasonable and nice enough.

I didn't have the chance to talk to her until much later. I was smoking on the terrace and she approached with a drink.

-Mind if I join you?- she said as she sat next to me.

-Not at all.

She left her drink on the table and lit a cigarette with a match. Apparently, she had something against appliances that made life easier.

-You had heard about me before.- she said exhaling smoke. It was not a question. 

I stared at her. Her caramel eyes stared at me behind thick lashes, deep lines crossed her brow as her eyebrows raised in expectation. She had a mole under the corner of her left eye. She snapped her fingers in front of me. Her nails were long and red, I hadn't realized until now. 

-Yes. I had heard of you before.

She sipped on her drink. 

-What's his name?

-How do you...

-I know. That's enough. What's his name, then? 

-Nathan. 

Eos sighed and her eyes wandered into the darkness of the night. We spent some time in silence before she spoke again. 

-What did he tell you? No, let me guess, "Eos is a cold hearted bitch, who lacks all kind of empathy, and bathes in the blood of children and puppies". That's what I'd have said, anyway.- she laughed tiredly.

-Well,...- she glared at me, as if asking me not to lie to her.- You're not far off. Nathan said that you had broken his heart in one thousand pieces, that he gave you everything and you never gave anything in return, that he never knew what you were thinking about. He also said that you never told him that you loved him, that you're cruel and relentless. Inflexible. Implacable. That you always asked for more. And he called you the Ice Queen.- Eos scoffed at that. 

-Well, that was what he called me when we dated, so I'm glad to see he's still using it. I guess he's right. I never have enough, I'm relentless, inflexible, implacable, cruel. And I'm never happy. I always want more. You're surprised I agree with him.- she stopped. 

-Yes, I am.- I hesitated for a second.- You don't look anything like that to me. 

-Oh, you're cute, Liam. You really are. I broke your friend's heart and you still think I'm a good person. 

The stars twinkled in the sky as the moon rose. The white light reflected in her eyes and I could see a tear or two. Her red nails and the light of the cigarette were the only touch of color in a black and white world. 

-Let me tell you a story. If this were a movie I would tell you this is based on a true story and I'd change the names of the main actors. But this is not a movie and you already know both of us, so... This is the story of Nathan and me. It's a story of heartbreak, and of love, in a way. You probably know most about it, too, so I'll summarize. Nathan has always been passionate, I liked that about him. He threw himself at me fearlessly. He opened my mind to new experiences, and for that I thank him. He was very vocal, from early on, about his feelings. He was sure about them. He knew he loved me. And that scared me. It didn't scare me because I didn't have feelings for him. I did. I still do, in a way. It scared me because I thought he wanted me to be something I'm not. I was scared to disappoint him. I never told him I loved him, not because I didn't, because I was scared to do so. Also, I have always been a practical person, I prefer acts to words, so I'd show him I loved him. It was not enough. However, that was not why we broke up.- her cigarette died off between her fingers and she lit another one.- We broke up because our love was destroying us. It wasn't a fire that becomes coals, it was a supernova. We are forces of nature, Nathan and I, he's explosive, purifying like the fire, like a lightning. I'm the sea, I'm calm until I'm not, I'm treacherous, changing, and I guess that, as Nathan said, relentless. We had spiraled out of control, a mutual addiction that was wrecking both our minds. Nathan developed an obsessive compulsive disorder, I returned to depression and self-harm. We both knew we could not live like that, but every time we stayed apart we fell back at it, harder even. Until the last time. We agreed to avoid contact at all costs. I erased his phone number and his email, yet I kept his address. I still care for him. I still send him postcards for Christmas and for his birthday. He never replied to any of them. Nor I expect him to. I assume he's okay. I know he's okay. 

She fell silent again. I swallowed. I didn't know what to say. Nathan had just told me that she had broken up with him telling him she never wanted to see him again. He never mentioned the TOC, nor the postcards. 

-Liam.- Eos called softly, I could tell she was crying.- How's Nathan? 

-He's doing fine. He's dating a new girl, and seems quite happy.- I was careful about that last affirmation. 

-I'm glad to hear. He deserves it. Will you do me a favor? Don't tell him you've seen me. I'd rather he didn't know. Can you do this for me? 

I doubted. Eos was an extraordinary woman and Nathan had truly loved her. Didn't he deserve to know she loved him too? Yet, what she had said about how their relationship had broken them both,...

-Yes. I'll do this for you. 

Fury

Shattered glass was spread across the floor. It had been transparent in its original vase form, but ths shreds looked blue under the dusk light. I stood by the door, heaving, still blinded by rage. Olivia was laying on the bed, crying, shaking. Part of me wanted to go calm her down, but another part of me was mad at her. Mad because she insisted on us living together even after I told her I was dangerous. I wanted to tell her that I had told her so. 

I walked out of the bedroom and into the kitchen, leaving bloody footprints on the floor. I didn't feel the pain, although I knew I had half a dozen cuts. I was numb. I had exploded and nothing was left behind, I couldn't feel anything, not yet. I looked around, the house told the story of my explosion. I didn't remember what had made me angry, irrationally angry, but I was sure it had been something stupid. Olivia had told me that I didn't need to worry over that, that it was nothing. I remember throwing the bag I was carrying against the wall, probably shattering the screen of my phone. She screamed at that and tried to stop me from destroying anything else. Yet, I was past the return point, there was nothing I could do but burn it all, burn it like hell. I pushed her into the room. Her who is taller than me, who is the strong of the two. I pushed her as if she weighed nothing and in her fight she dragged the vase down with her. I remember the pain in my feet as I stepped on the broken glass, and I remember the pain in my hands as I punched Olivia in the stomach. Olivia, the one who loves me, the one I love and have always been so afraid to hurt. I remember the pain, but I also remember the burning desire to hurt, her, myself, anyone. My blood boiled murder. 

I looked at my hands and saw how my knuckles were red and swollen. I started crying. I cried for Olivia and the pain I caused her. I cried for my uncontrollable rage. I cried because I didn't deserve to be loved and yet I was, because nothing could stop me from hurting someone I loved. 

Free

The sun warms up my body, the sea breeze caresses my skin. I've felt stares on me as I walked down the shore. People looked at my pale skin, so pale it's blue from the veins underneath. They looked at the bruises and the scars all over my body, painful reminders of the hell I'm just out of. My bones poke through my skin, I know it, I look like a scarecrow. But it doesn't matter now, nothing matters, my scars will fade, I will regain my weight. However, not all the scars will heal this fast, there are scars that will take much longer.

I lie on the sand, my eyes shaded behind the sunglasses, still not used to the brightness of daylight. The sea laps at my feet and I doze off. In my dream, I'm still locked in that house. In my dream, I spend the nights scrubbing floors and dusting furniture, cooking meals, my days ironing and doing laundry in the basement, sleeping barely four hours a day. In my dream she hits me, she hits me hard for any reason, for something she thinks I've done wrong. She hits me and I feel bones breaking. She hits me and I bite my lips not to scream, I force myself not to cry. In my dream, I can feel the pain, in my dream, it hurts so much it wakes me up.

The sunlight returns me to reality. A reality where no one can hit me again, where I don't have to spend the night doing housework. A reality where I'm safe, safe after all this time, safe after years of imprisonment.

DIY: the PhD Edition. Chapter II: So I've decided to do a PhD, now what?

Hello dear friends,

Let's say you've already read my post from last week, you've read it and thought "Yes, I want to have Science's babies" (Science or whatever). What's your next step? How do you decide what do you want to study? How do you decide where? HOW DO YOU DECIDE?!

Full disclosure, I'm really bad at making decisions, but, sometimes, I make some that are right. 

So here's the list of things you need to take into account. (I'll use Biology examples because that's what I'm familiar with).

1) The topic: is there any specific disease you really want to research on? Are you passionate about evolution? Do you like to code? Your plan is to do this so you can become a mad scientist?

2) The lab: once you've decided what do you want to work on, you'll need to see which labs/departments nearby are working on it. Read their papers, read other papers on the matter, read, read, read. If you can do an internship in that lab, that's the best way to know if you'll like it there. Actually, doing an internship is the best way to know whether you want to work in research or not, and you still have time to run away from the madness.

3) The project: if you have any choice at that, that is. You need to look into which opportunities the project is going to give you, which techniques, and whether it gives you the chance to cause small explosions.

4) The city/country: it might sound superfluous, but it can be important. Spending time outside of the lab is healthy if you are in a place you hate you're going to be depressed. If you need to see the sea try to find a place near it. If you love the outdoors don't go to a big city. If you need cold to be happy just don't fucking go to a warm place. And if you want to learn a new language you can always go somewhere far away and exotic where no one speaks your language.

Now you're ready to take this huge decision. But don't worry, if you happen to end up hating your research topic you can always change topics after the PhD, or in the meantime. I mean, starting your PhD doesn't mean you have to finish it, right? (I know, I'm very helpful)