5/29/2016

Unicorns (Narrated version)

This is a story I posted some time ago, in fact, it's a story about unicorns that we kind of made a bet to write with Richard. Not long ago Richard recorded himself reading his story, so I had to do the same. It was a terrible idea, my story is NINE minutes long and I'm superawkward reading it. It has taken me forever, so you better enjoy it, or else. Also, there might be some words that I pronounced incorrectly, but hey YOU read in a language is not your first language. You will find the whole story under the audio.



Unicorns

The legend has it that, in a remote group of mountains in the heart of the tropical Africa, there's a patch of land that is still unexplored. They say it's inaccessible, and that anyone who ever ventured into it, never returned. They also say that it hides marvels without pair. However, Hero was interested in something else. As a zoologist, she knew there would be plenty of unknown species thriving in the isolated ecosystem, having evolved in a complete different way. She hoped that the ecological niche was different enough from what was seen in the surrounding areas to have produced species no one could have imagined before. She had dreamt of visiting that place for ages, since she found out when she still was a graduate student. And when she finally obtained a position as PI, she knew it was time to go explore.

During the flight to Africa, she was as excited as she had ever been. Hero travelled with her team, Liz, a postdoc researcher; Harry and Anne, grad students; and Mary, a weathered technician who was used to work in suboptimal conditions. Hero had been a PI for a short time, but she fully trusted her people. Furthermore, they would have a local guide, Bamidele, who would help them navigate through the jungle. It was not the first time Hero went to Africa for research, but it was the first time she decided where she wanted to go. It was a risky mission, and some of her colleagues confessed her they would never do it, but it was a dream of a lifetime, and nothing would stop her. The tropical air hit her on the face as she left the plane, warm, humid, and full of unknown smells. It promised adventure. 

Hero's team was prepared, athletic, and used to long difficult walks, but yet no one expected the hardship they had to undergo. The tropical forest proved to be a maze with many traps, danger hiding everywhere, ranging from open sinkholes that forced them to reroute their path, to hundreds of different insects that seemed to appreciate European blood. They were lucky to have Bamidele leading them, as he was used to the harsh conditions of the rainforest. Still, sometimes there were things that escaped from his control, such as the time they came face to face with an almost vertical wall of stone, they would have needed to take a detour if it hadn't been for Harry, who was an expert rock climber. It was dangerous, but he managed it to the top, setting up ropes for the others to follow him. 

Their venture through the woods was long and exhausting. But after two weeks they reached their objective, a valley, not unlike the ones they had been walking through, opened in front of their eyes. Looking closely, it was clear that it was the crater of an extinct volcano, and a large one. The journey downhill was hard, as the terrain was sheer, vertical in parts. They opened a line that they would be using to leave as soon as they were happy with their research. The vegetation was similar to what could be seen in the rest of the rainforest, but insects were slightly larger, maybe because of the lack of predators. On the first night in the remote region, they set camp in a clearing that was still far from the bottom of the valley. The ground was irregular, and the undergrowth thick, they kept an eye out for signs of larger animals to no avail. It took them four more days to arrive to the center, and the vegetation had been growing sparser every day, which made it more difficult to find traces of animals. They had already seen several new species of insects, but Hero was convinced there had to be some kind of larger animal, either reptile or mammals. 

Sunrise brought them a surprise. As Hero was leaving the tent, she spotted something across the lake they had camped by. She silently woke up Mary, and they both looked through the binoculars. It was still quite dark, and they could only see some dark shapes, the size of goats, drinking on the shore. The lake was quite wide, so they were at a reasonable distance for the animals not to feel threatened. As the light grew brighter, they could start to define how the animals looked like. They were larger than goats, and looked a bit like horses, most of them were dark grey. There seemed to be some young animals too, judging by their size. The animals peacefully drank on the shore, and some of them lay on the grass nearby. It was clear they had no natural predators there. Hero was exultant, she had found an undiscovered mammal species. She needed to see them from close up, collect some kind of sample, maybe there would be some hair left on the grass. 

That same day they organized an expedition. Hero, Anne, and Bamidele would border the lake to try to get closer to the animals, while Liz, Mary, and Harry stayed in the camp processing samples. Hero would have preferred having Mary with her, but she was the best in sample handling, and they had lots of them to take care of. The expedition set off before sunrise, with Bamidele guiding them through the undergrowth. At sunrise they were not even halfway, and it was already late in the morning when they arrived to the field where Hero had first seen the animals. Hiding inside the jungle they stared at them, Hero's first impressions had been good. The animals were small horses, possibly evolved from zebras, they were striped dark grey, and several of them were foals. Seeing them up close, Hero realized something else. Some of them had a bone growing from their forehead, it looked a bit like the tusk from the narwhals. "They are freaking unicorns" Anne whispered. Hero almost told her off, but it was true, they were unicorns indeed. "Wait in here" Hero told them. 

Breaking all her self-imposed rules, and all the rules set up by science and survival, Hero walked towards the animals at a slow but steady pace. They didn't seem to notice her, until she was around one hundred meters from them, and still, then, they only looked at her with those wide round eyes, as if they were wondering what was that funny looking creature. She slowed down, a step at a time, getting closer and closer. One of the bigger animals approached her, she put her hands out, expecting the animal to understand that she didn't want to harm him. He bowed his head to smell her hand, allowing her to appreciate the polished beauty of his horn, making her wonder whether they would use it to settle territorial battles. The animal put his head up, looked her into the eye, and charged. 

Inside the forest, Bamidele restrained a desperate Anne who was trying to claw herself free to go save her PI. Hero was beyond saving, the unicorn had pierced her straight in the heart, and she had died almost immediately. It had been a horrible show, as he kept stabbing the dead body of the researcher once it was on the floor. As soon as the animal was satisfied, he reached for the water, made himself clean, and resumed his normal life. By then, Anne was curled up in the woods shaking from the shock, in her mind, the images replayed once and again. Bamidele stayed calm, he had seen people mauled by animals before, although never like that. He stared at the body lying next to the herd of unicorns, he would need to wait until they left to retrieve it, and it wouldn't be an easy feat. 

5/18/2016

DIY: the PhD Edition. Chapter VII: Academia and Mental Health.

Dear all, (I seriously don't know why I keep greeting you like this)

This week's topic is something I wanted to leave for further on. Something that I wanted to postpone for as long as I could. However, I won't. This week is "Mental Health Awareness Week" and, therefore, today's topic is going to be Mental Health. Or how to stay sane while pursuing a PhD. There are plenty of data on how there's a high incidence of Mental Illness in Academia, I don't want to quote those (mainly because that'd require me looking it up and I'm fed up of looking stuff up on PubMed (also, yes, "data" is plural, get over it)).

For anyone who knows me, it is clear that I'm not a poster child for Mental Health, in fact, I have extensively talked about my issues with anxiety (herehere, and here) and of late I have also been dealing with some depressive episodes. The kind of episodes that make you wonder if you will ever be able to feel really happy again. The kind of episodes that make you consider if anyone would miss you if you were gone and if people who care for you do it out of pity. The kind of episodes that make you start thinking where could you cut yourself to stop feeling psychological pain and replace it with physical pain. See? I'm all sunshine and unicorns!

Anyway, even if I have made a mess out of managing both my stress and my Mental Health in general, I have some tips for you guys. Tips that may help you stay sane for a bit longer (I'm not saying forever, because, seriously,... you're doing a PhD).

How to be a PhD student and stay Mentally Healthy

1. Plan ahead. Sometimes it is difficult to plan experiments ahead because shit happens all the time. However, it is a good idea to plan as much as you can even if it is just to have short-term goals that are achievable. This will stop the stress from building up.

2. Do something for yourself every day. It can be going to the gym, or for a walk, or play an instrument. Anything you enjoy doing and that will allow you to have some time for yourself. It can even be taking a bath!

3. Find something that makes you instantaneously happy. A song, a picture, a smell. In my case seeing the sea gives me so much peace that I can't be depressed or anxious. I also enjoy music videos where there are goats screaming, videos of goats screaming, the sounds that the turkeys make, silly GIFs, and videos of cats riding Roombas (hey, I never said it had to be deep, also that shit is hilarious).

4. Find an outlet. Anything that allows you to get rid of the negativity and the stress. Something creative, or not. Something that you can do at any time when you feel bottled up. In my case, it is writing short stories, even if the last ones are depressing enough to require a "Trigger Warning" advisory.

5. Rely on your friends. They're there to support you and to hug you when you're down. You'd be there for them, they will also be there for you.

6. Sleep enough. Sometimes sleep is hard to find, I know it, I've battled insomnia for a couple of years, but just try to get as much sleep as you can, you'll feel better after it.

7. Eat healthy. We all have bought a pint of brownie ice cream when we are down. And it's okay, but you also need to eat lots of other things, Mental Health starts by having a healthy body.

8. Cry if you need to. Cry, you might feel better after it. If someone judges you because you cry they're assholes and they don't deserve to be in the Academia.

9. Tell your supervisors. If you feel the pressure is too much and you can't handle it, tell your supervisors. They are probably not aware of the situation you're in, and they are willing to help (if they're not, they're assholes and you should really find a new supervisor).

10. Take breaks. If you can't handle it, and the situation allows it, step away from the problem. If you're overwhelmed and the weekend is close, take the weekend off, stop worrying for a couple of days, you'll see things under another light after it.

This is all the advice I have for you. I do believe it works, it's just a matter of actually doing the things (spoiler alert, I'm pretty crappy at doing some of this stuff). Anyway, have a good week and see you next week if I'm not too tired or lazy to write something up.

5/11/2016

DIY: the PhD Edition. Chapter VI: Presentations Galore!

Dear boys and girls,

You thought I had forgotten about this, didn't you? I mean, it's been more than a month since I wrote the last post, mainly because I was doing other things like going to concerts (once) or being too tired to write posts. This happens sometimes. Anyway, I'm back! Rejoice!

Let's recap a bit. You're a PhD student and you love it, probably your lab does lab meetings and now you've realized you have to talk on the next one. Here are some tips that are going to make it easier.

How to give an ace presentation and leave after a standing ovation 

1. Before the presentation, think about what do you want to talk about it. Write the main ideas down and imagine you're explaining a story, that you're telling the whole thing to someone who knows nothing about it.

2. Once you have the structure, think about your audience and what they know, this is important for your introduction, maybe you won't need to go into much detail if they are already familiar with the topic.

3. Follow the structure throughout, especially during the results and conclusions.

4. It's time for the PowerPoint! There are some basic rules for PowerPoint. The first rule of the PowerPoint club is that one does not talk about the PowerPoint club. Kidding. The first rule is that too many words are BAD. Write as little as possible on your slides, if you can use keywords and images/graphs. (I also really like to keep the same color scheme throughout the presentation and to have everything aligned, but I'm a weirdo, just don't use Comic Sans and we'll be good).

5. Some people panic when they have to talk in public. Some people don't. I'm one of those freaks that love speaking in public, you can chase me with torches after I finished. But here is the thing, even if you hate talking in public, there will be someone who will hate it even more than you. Find a way to make it less terrible, it will probably be something different for each of you. There are people who like to imagine everyone in the room naked, but to be fair I don't know how that is supposed to help. If you are very nervous find someone in the room who is friendly and who maintains eye contact with you, make them your anchor.

6. If you have never talked in public before (unlikely), rehearse beforehand. I never rehearse, ever, I only rehearse my puns, but to be fair, I'm puntastic. Find people whom you can trust and rehearse in front of them, ask them what can you improve. Rehearse, rehearse, rehearse!

7. Make sure to speak slowly, but fast enough for people not to fall asleep. Speak clearly, without shouting, and change your cadence. I had a teacher say once that you had to speak as if you were on the radio, and it's very good advice, modulate your voice. It's also important to keep the audience engaged, look at them, ask them questions, move confidently in front of the projector screen.

8. Comments and questions are the most important thing of the whole thing. Keep an open mind, if you don't know something admit it. Be sure to write down any suggestions. And thank them after it.

If you follow this list, you should be fine. Forget about scene panic, make a PowerPoint that will help you remember the most important things, and breathe.

5/07/2016

Soft like silk

The bed creaked as someone jumped into. Not someone, Hanako. I could hear her crawling up the bed, thinking I was still asleep. She got close to my face and placed her head next to mine. One of her small hands caressed my cheek, I opened my eyes and saw her chocolate eyes staring at me like Akemi used to do.

"Sally, where is mommy?" she whispered.

Akemi. My Akemi. How should I tell Hanako that her mother was never coming back? That she had left the two of us alone in the world? Hanako resembled her too much at that moment, she looked exactly how I had imagined Akemi would have looked like as a child. I sat in bed and braided her hair, her long silky black hair. I had to tell her, but I didn't know how, I was still coming into terms with it myself. I had seen Akemi that same morning, after all. I had kissed her goodbye as she left for work. Hanako hadn't seen her that morning, as she was still sleeping. We went through our daily lives, Hanako at school, and me working from home. And then I got that call. Akemi had had a stroke, she was at the hospital. I remember the rush to call the babysitter for Hanako, the slow taxi drive to the airport, the cold and white light everywhere. The nurses took me to Akemi, lying on the bed, unresponsive. I might have pinched myself at that moment, just to make sure it was real, it was painfully real. After that came the hours of waiting, the doctors coming and going, while I just sat down and waited. No one told me, but deep inside I felt there was nothing to do. Maybe it was something in the way the doctors looked at her, but the fact is that when they finally told me that she was dead, I was ready for the news.

I cried all the way from the hospital to our apartment. It wasn't hysterical crying, just the tears escaping my eyes and rolling down my face to the scarf around my neck. Akemi was gone and she had left us alone. When I arrived home, Hanako was already sleeping, the babysitter stared at me and hugged me, without a word. I collapsed into bed as soon as I was alone, needing to sleep it off, to gather energy to face a world without Akemi.

When I finished braiding her hair, Hanako turned around and hugged me.

"Mommy is not coming back? It's okay, Sally, don't cry, you can be my mommy now."

5/04/2016

Two shallow cuts (TRIGGER WARNING)

Last night I cut my wrists. I had been trying to sleep, but I couldn't, my brain kept shouting at me all the reasons I had to hate my life. It told me how lonely I was and how I'd probably be all my life. It told me I was a failure and I didn't deserve success. It told me that people pitied me. That everybody hated me. That I would never become anything in life. It kept reminding me of all those times I had tried and failed. Of all the times other people moved on towards better things before I did. Of how my life has been reduced to an endless cycle of work and tears.

Nothing would make my brain shut up. Nothing. Anxiety attacks chained, leaving me a mess in my bed. The sheets tangled up between my legs, my skin covered in sweat. I felt lost in my bed, infinitely small against the roar of the world. The roar of my brain. 

My brain wouldn't shut up and that's why I got up and walked to the bathroom. I picked something sharp, I don't even recall what it was and pressed it against the skin on my forearms. Softly, at first, just to feel the cold against my skin. The cold metal was strangely soothing and the cutting motion came naturally. After it the sweet pain and the release. The numbing of all the other feelings. It was pain, but it felt good. I repeated the motion. Two shallow cuts on the skin of my left forearm, just deep enough to draw blood. Tho swallow cuts was all that took to make my brain shut up.