The day before my birthday. Again. These things seem to happen every year (laugh, I'm funny). Anyway, tomorrow I'm turning 29 like some kind of old woman. Fuck, 29, I don't feel 29 (now you should say that I don't look 29 either). I'm trying to keep it lighthearted in here because 28 have been a fucking trainwreck of a year and this is going to be one of the darkest birthday posts I have ever written.
I don't even know where to start in here. Usually, I would talk about some silly things I have done during the year to move towards the deeper stuff towards the end. This hasn't been one of those years. It has been a year of pain and struggle, but I really need to start somewhere.
Let's start by the good things. During this year I went to three concerts: Editors, Foals, and Frank Turner. And even though all of them were brilliant and that Tom has a voice that would make angels cry, Frank's was the absolute best. And not only because he hugged me afterwards. THREE TIMES. I also went to some weddings, all of people whom I care a lot about. Seeing them happy made me happy, but it was still weird as two of them are actually younger than me. I also finished my PhD, both the submission and the defense, so I guess I'm a "doctor" now.
However, the road to finishing my thesis was a hard one. I spent most of my 28 years on earth either depressed or anxious or both. I've cried for hours, panicked for hours, and thought I was going to die several times. It was terrible. I even tried therapy, but that somehow made it worse. I don't know how many times I have considered who would miss me if I died during this year. I don't even know how many times I thought about hurting myself just to stop hurting mentally. It was exhausting. And it's not totally over as I'm currently battling imposter syndrome, but you can't have it all.
And just because this year had to throw something more at me, it has been plagued with loss. Some of you might have already read that we lost my grandfather in August in what was a heart-wrenching experience. Although it has been some months, there are still times when I realize that I will never be able to talk to him again and I panic about forgetting him. Everyone has been really supportive, but it doesn't make it easier, especially taking into account the mental issues I have been suffering this last year. And having to support most of my family through it,... I felt like I didn't have space to mourn. And that's probably why I am still mourning. To add insult to injury we also had our beloved kittens leave us too soon. Animals are not the same as humans, but those kittens really helped me during those hard times.
I would love to add something positive about this year, but really between the hard times at work, the hard times with family, and having to deal with shit from some other people, I am glad that this year is over and I hope 29 will be much better.
