A Story A Day. Story 354 of 365: Best (Part XXIV).

Leo was the one to break the silence.

-Listen, I don't expect you to reply to this now. I know you're not told such a thing every day, but I also want you to know that I only said it because I'm sure about it. And I've been sure about it for some days, I'd like to say that I've been sure about it since the moment I first saw you, but that would probably creep you out even more. I just want you to think about it, take your time, I know you need it, you told me yourself. We can take it as slow as you need to, I don't want you to feel pressured, and if we need to pretend this conversation never happened, I'm okay with it.

-I don't know what to say.

-And you don't need to say anything. I don't want you to feel forced into saying something you don't really feel.

-But,...

-Ismene, we are both grown-ups, I know that you'll treat me with respect, and I'll understand any decision you take. I'm just asking you to think about it, and to take a decision when the time is ripe and you feel ready.- she tried to interrupt him, but he kept on.- You told me that we needed to take things slow, that you didn't want to lose control and have sex with me every time we saw each other, and I obliged. It's hard for me, because every time I see you I can't think of anything that isn't you naked on the bed. But I'm restraining myself, I'm making an effort so you can feel comfortable. What I'm asking from you is the same. I'm intense, as you have seen, for me things are usually all or nothing. But I'm willing to have only some of you until you know if it's all or nothing.

-I think I can do that.- Ismene conceded.

-Thank you.

-Only, promise me that you will not be mad at me if it takes longer than you expected.

-I won't.- he sighed relieved.- I'm glad you didn't run away thinking I'm crazy.

-Well, it's not like I could have gone very far, you took me at the world's edge for dinner.

They both laughed and like that the tension disappeared. They stayed there, staring at the sea in silence for some more time, but in the end they had to leave. Leo drove her back home, Ismene looked at the stars through the windows of the car, and fell asleep without even realizing it. She dreamt of the beach in summer, the sun making her skin tan, the cold sea water on her feet, there was no one else there, only her, the sun, the sand, the sea, and the wind. Leo let her sleep, she had a smile on her face. When they arrived to her place, he woke her up softly.

-Ismene, we have arrived to your place.

Ismene simply turned around, looking for a more comfortable position. Leo shook her by the arm.

-Come on, Ismene.

-Mmmmm, I don't want to wake up.

-You can keep sleeping upstairs.

-Take me.- she said, still in her sleep.

-Ismene,...

-Please?

Leo rolled his eyes, she was like a child sometimes indeed. He parked his car properly, opened her door, and took her in his arms. She was surprisingly light, and completely asleep.

-Is, the keys. Ismene!

She seemed to react to that. Leo left her on the floor, and she looked for her keys.

-Are you seriously this sleepy?

-Wine makes me sleepy. It's your fault for making me drink.

-You had like two glasses!

-Shhh. Shut up and come with me, I want you to stay in tonight.

She fumbled with the key until she opened the front door, and took him inside by the hand. He helped her open the door of her flat, and she took him in her room. As soon as they entered she collapsed sleeping on her bed.

-Ismene.- Leo tried to wake her up again, unsuccessfully.

He shrugged his shoulders, and proceeded to undress her and put her inside her bed. He took of her bra, but left her underpants on, he figured she would me more comfortable like that. After tucking her under the sheets, he took off his shoes and his belt and lay down beside her. It didn't feel right to sleep naked as he usually would, she was vulnerable at that moment and he wanted her to feel safe. 

A Story A Day. Story 353 of 365: Best (Part XXIII).

Leo was charming throughout the dinner, asking her questions about her childhood, sharing his adventures as a fireman. He gave her the tastier bites of the fish, and didn't eat much himself. Because they had asked so much to eat, they soon were left alone. The conversation moved to more private affairs, with Ismene telling Leo how she had dumped her last boyfriend.

-I had always said that I wanted to move abroad as soon as I finished my PhD. Everyone knew, and they accepted it. He seemed to accept it too, but when the time came and Dr. Shannon made me a post-doc offer, he panicked. He told me that I couldn't leave, that he wouldn't let me, that I couldn't do that to him. I tried to reason with him, I did, but he wouldn't listen. In the end I had to break up with him. There's a limit of what I can put up with, and that was enough.

-Still, it should have been hard for you. You loved him, it's not like you can forget about love from one day to the other.

-Well, it was not like I saw him being the father of my children or anything. I loved him, but I was already seeing that it was going nowhere, and that was the perfect opportunity to break up with him. Maybe my heart is cold and frozen like ice, but I don't want to date someone who gets between me and my professional interests. Yet, he has been my longest lasting relationship, so I thought a lot before finishing it. It was specially tough for the families, I think our grandmas were already planning the wedding. My mum was kind of relieved when I told her. And my dad was happy, I guess he never really liked him.

-I'm glad you decided to come regardless of what he told you.- Leo confessed.- And I'm glad you're single.

-What about you? I've heard some pretty wild stories about your amorous escapades.

-It's all lies.- he defended himself.

-Is it?- Ismene teased him.

-Sort of. I've been dating lots of girls, that is true. But it hasn't been like I've been taking profit of them or anything. I know what I want, and some of those girls, seemed to be what I wanted. Until I got to know them better. Some others were just for fun, and we had agreed on it. And the rest took me as a challenge, I was the prize to be won.

-And you're going to tell me that not even once during all your adult life have you found what you were looking for? It's hard to believe.

-I have. Twice. The first time I was really young, in high school actually, she was a classmate, and a soulmate. We started dating when we were seventeen, and we got engaged as soon as we finished university. I didn't have eyes for anyone but her. She was my world, my only one. We weren't on the same page, though. She called off the engagement three days before the wedding. I was devastated, it took me a long time to trust on anyone again. That was the period when I simply hooked up with whoever happened to be around. I'm not proud of that, but it was the only way out I could see.

-What happened with her?

-She started dating this guy she had met at uni. They married a couple of year ago. I wish I could say I forgave her, but I didn't. She left scars on my heart that will take a long time to heal. I wish her well, though, and I hope she never hurts anyone as she hurt me.

-With time you'll be able to forgive her.- Ismene replied.

-I don't know.- he said shaking his head.- I really don't know.

-You will. I'm sure. No matter how much someone has hurt you, you always end up forgiving them, specially if it was someone as important for you as her.

-Maybe you're right.- he said thoughtfully.

-And who was the second one?

-What?

-You said that you've found what you're looking for twice. She was the first one, who was the second one?

-You.

Ismene froze in place. He certainly hadn't said what she had just heard. It wasn't possible. How could he be so sure? She wasn't that was clear. She thought of Frode, and how he had so much to tell, of how she liked the way he smelt, and his deep voice. She thought of Leo also, how she could be herself around him, and how he was so good in bed. She wanted to say something, but no words would come. Anyway, what is one supposed to reply to that?

A Story A Day. Story 349 of 365: Best (Part XIX).

His smile promised even more stories, it promised as much as his bookstore did. If there was one thing that Ismene loved it was stories.

-It does?- she asked.

-Indeed. I've been to many places thanks to the bookstore. Every year I close for a whole month and go book hunting.

The second course arrived, some kind of fish and a steak with an unidentified sauce. As before, they split it. Frode continued with his story. 

-Sometimes, my customers ask me for special books. Rare first editions. Others. I track the books and contact the owners, but I always need to see the books in first person. Most of them are in Europe, so my previous knowledge of the zone has been really useful. But I've also been to Asia and South America, once I went to Africa. And it has been enriching, and exciting, and I've seen places I never thought I'd see. Places that are out of reach for most of the people. In a way I wish I could do it more often, but I also love the bookstore, I couldn't live without it. 

-You're full of surprises, aren't you? 

-And there are plenty more. But enough talking about me. How have you been? 

Of course, he was also a listener, and a good one, and he was probably feeling like he had been talking too much. 

-Well, it has been interesting.- she said remembering both her encounters with Leo and her work at the lab.- I'm just starting my work, so there's so much to read and so much to do. Do you remeber that feeling of getting a wrapped gift and not knowing what's inside? Knowing that it could be anything?- Ismene thought to herself that it was also the same feeling that you had when you went to bed with a man for the first time, but she kept that to herself. 

-Yes, I know the feeling. Like opening a book for the first time. 

-Exactly like that. 

-So, what are you working on? 

-That's a secret, I can't tell. 

He seemed disappointed at first, but he understood. 

-Well, I hope to see you on TV, at some point. 

-Oh, that's not that easy, most of the important scientific breakthroughs never make it on TV. The scientific community knows that what looks important to society is not always what is actually important. 

-A bit like not all really good books are best-sellers. Only people in the inside know the relevant stuff. I've never known much about science, it's probably the only thing I haven't been able to master. 

-I can help with that, if you want to. 

-Sure, anytime. 

-We should exchange knowledge, isn't that how it worked in the old times?- she suggested. 

-That sounds perfect. 

The second course was followed by the dessert, and more drinks. Hours flied by and they were told that the restaurant was about to close. Frode insisted on walking her home, and as before he would explain her everything that happened in the city as they walked by. They arrived at her house and the conversation kept on. Ismene considered telling him to go upstairs and continue the conversation more comfortably, but Frode was no Leo. It would go much slower with him. At one point the conversation died off, and Frode told her that it was time for him to leave. He leaned down and kissed her on the cheek leaving a trace of his scent hanging there for her to remember him. She saw him leaving, and not until she lost his sight did she get inside her house. Remembering she had a date with Leo the following day, she sat on her bed cross-legged, thinking about what choice did she have, she liked both men, yet she wasn't supposed to have them both. When she went to sleep, her thoughts kept going from one man to the other, knowing that each of them gave her something that she needed. 

Jeanne Leclerc, secretary

The Monday I started working at Rémi’s company, I woke up at an hour that usually caught me still awake and got dressed in the clothes Léa had sent me. Clothes that were much more modest than I used to wear. I skipped my makeup and did my hair in a ponytail. From that day on I was Jeanne, not myself, and Jeanne was naive and shy. I got out of the house and into the metro, which was crowded. The ride to La Défense was a long one and most of the people on the metro were dressed in office wear. I got out of the metro just under the Arc de la Défense and headed to the office. 

I had been assigned as the secretary of one of the operational officers, so I knew that sooner or later I would come in contact with Rémi, at least according to Léa’s information. And indeed, it was much sooner than I expected, as he appeared just after lunchtime with one excuse or another. He walked straight to my desk to introduce himself. 

“Bonjour, Madame Leclerc, it is a pleasure to have you in my company.” He said, holding his hand out for a handshake. 

“Mademoiselle, Monsieur Tremblay.” I corrected him, making sure that he knew my civil status, not that it would have mattered much to him anyway.

“I expect that you have an excellent time in my company, Mademoiselle Leclerc, and do not hesitate to come talk to me should you need anything.” 

He returned from where he had come not even pretending that there had been someone else he had needed to talk to. Seeing him walk away, I could feel the hate boiling up inside me. 

Open position

Léa had given me all the information and resources I could need for the case, but as we had agreed, she left the case to me. I spent several weeks studying the objective and trying to find a way to infiltrate into his life. His name was Rémi, he was the CEO of a company, middle-aged, married with two children in their late teens. He had a private office on Rue de Rivoli overlooking the Tuileries gardens, but the headquarters of his company were in La Défense, where he spent most of the time. In fact, the building on Rue de Rivoli seemed to serve for only one objective, cheating on his wife. 

According to the folder that Léa had given me, he routinely abused his position with younger employees of his firm, and his last resort was always taking them to Rue de Rivoli. After that, he usually forgot about them sending them to some obscure department in the company where he would never see them again. Some had tried to denounce it, but he had too much money and there was nothing the girls could do. He had even threatened some of them. And it had to stop. 

I thought about it for a long time and it soon became apparent that the only way I would be able to get close to him was to get a job at his company. I knew that Léa would probably have contacts, but I needed to be inconspicuous, I needed to be a girl who was desperate for money and who would do anything to keep her job. I waited for weeks until there was an open position as a secretary in his company. Léa had provided me with a personal story and an address at the house of an elderly aunt who had kindly welcomed me into the big city. I sent my CV and waited for the phone call on the burner phone I would not have been able to obtain without Léa’s help. 

When the call came, I was ready. I arrived for the interview the following day, dressed modestly, as my character demanded. Two days later, I was confirmed to have the job. 

Feminism (Women’s Day)

Are you a person who is confused about feminism? Particularly about why do we still need it; and who thinks that feminists are ugly women who don't shave or wear makeup and who are just bitter because they can't get a man and who are probably just man-hating lesbians who just need to get fucked by a real man? Are you a woman who thinks we don't need feminism because look where we are already? Have you ever considered the intrinsic misogyny of this rotten patriarchal system? 

Oh, guy, you are in the right place, take a seat because this girl is going to give you a lesson on what feminism means. Warning, it contains profanity because a) it is me, b) I get fucking worked up when talking about this, c) no, I'm not going to fucking tone down my bloody language so it is more ladylike because fuck it that’s why. 

Anyway, let’s start talking about what feminism DOESN’T mean because you lot sure seem to be confused about it. First, we need to examine male privilege, and yes that’s a thing that exists and any white cis straight man in a developed nation who has a relative amount of money and no visible or invisible disability NEEDS TO ACKNOWLEDGE HIS FUCKING PRIVILEGE. Have you ever gone to a job interview and been asked if you planned to have children anytime soon because ”we can't really have you off work for several months”? Have you ever been told to go fetch your superior because there’s no way that you are the one in charge despite being? Has anyone thought that you are not knowledgeable about a topic because you are a man? Have you ever been referred as ”Mister” while your female colleagues who do not have PhDs are referred as ”Dr.”? Have you ever earned less money than your female colleagues despite developing the same exact task? Have you been ever described as "bossy" for asking for what you think you are worth? Have you ever seen how female colleagues who were equally or less prepared than you get a promotion while you stayed in place? Has your virginity been given the status of a precious thing that must not be given away to whoever you want because it represents your purity and anyway if you go around fucking people your dick is going to shrink so it won't give pleasure to THE ONE? Has your virginity ever been a coin of change? Have you been ever described as a "slut" for sleeping with women? Have you ever had to worry that your future wife will think that you are not a virgin because you don't bleed the first time you fuck and thus she will murder you? Have you ever been told that sex HAS TO BE painful the first time you do it? Have you ever been told that your pleasure doesn't matter that the only important one is hers? Have you ever been scared to walk alone back home at night because there is a woman who is walking just behind you? Have you been told to cover yourself up because you were distracting female colleagues or that the way you dressed was the reason behind a sexual assault? Have you been told to show some skin or to smile by some random woman on the street? Have you ever received rape threats? Have you ever been afraid to upset a woman you went on a date with in case they became violent?  Have you been ever told that you were raped because of the clothes you were wearing? Have you ever been violently assaulted or killed after a date because you hadn't disclosed your trans identity? Have you ever been told that your physical pain doesn't matter and that there is no way that you are in so much pain and to stop being such a baby even when you are in pain once a month? Have you ever been pushed into thinking that a natural process that happens in your body every month is a source of disgust and shame to the point that you are driven out of your own house? Have you ever been forced to marry a woman several years older than you? Have you ever been banned from going out on the street unaccompanied by a woman? Has your body and reproductive health ever been policed by a group of old women who know nothing about it? Have you ever been forced to carry the child of your rapist? Have you ever been denied an education because you were a man? Have you ever had to abandon your studies to take care of an elder relative just because you were a man and that's what men are supposed to do? Have you ever had to abandon your work because you had children and that's what men should do? Have you ever returned from work tired but have had to do all the housework by yourself because that's what men do? 

I could go on forever, but you get the idea. Maybe you haven't answered "no" to all the questions and I know that you are going to tell me that there is something that never happened to be. And it is true, I acknowledge my privilege as a white cis straight-passing woman. I acknowledge that I have had opportunities that women from other countries or from less privileged backgrounds do not have. I acknowledge that my skin color has probably helped me in more than one situation and I have never been discriminated against because of it. I acknowledge that being cis has spared me from the violence many trans-women and non-binary folk experience. I also acknowledge that being straight-passing despite being queer ("Surprise!" said no one at this point), has spared me from comments and harassing experienced by other queer people. So, yes I am privileged, but I am choosing to use this privilege for good, to stand next to the people who are suffering and help them find their voice, to listen to them when they fight for their rights, and I am also using my energy to fight for the rights that I still not have. 

Once we have done our privilege check, let's see what feminism is NOT. Feminism is not about hating men, feminism is not about punishing men or stripping them of their rights and their safety. Feminism is not about not wearing bras or makeup or shaving. Feminism is not about stopping having children or stop being stay-at-home mothers if we want to. Feminism is not about reversing privilege so it becomes female privilege. And it is NOT about murdering men in their sleep.  

"But Laura," you will say, "that's all that those misogynistic people I got my ideas from have ever told me? How do you expect me to change my mind about the evils of feminism?"

Well, growing up is admitting that you are mistaken about some things and willing to change your ways about it. So if you are still with me I will tell you what feminism means. Ready?

Feminism means that everyone gets to have the same rights and opportunities and that no one is discriminated against by reasons of gender, race, sexuality, disability, or any other reason (except if you are a Nazi if you are a nazi you get punched and you can go fuck yourself). 

See, easy? Intersectional feminism is not hard. Stil not convinced? Do you need examples of how feminism can make your life better? Okay, let's go.

Feminism is also fighting against some deeply stuck concepts that are facing men, such as that men do not show their feelings and therefore do not cry. That men need to be strong. That men need to provide for the family. Feminism seeks to get the men from the future and from today to be able to cry in public if they need to without being mocked by their peers. To have them not feel bad when they are not strong enough. To tell them that being a stay-at-home dad is okay if it is what they want to do. That having their wives earning more money than them is not threatening them or their masculinity. Feminism wants to teach people that "gay" is not an insult and that having gay friends does not menace your virility, as well as finding a man handsome doesn't. It wants to teach that there are other ways to solve conflicts that do not involve violence. Feminism wants to help everyone understand that men who have been sexually or emotionally abused by either men or women are not weak, but victims. That raising a child is a work of two people and that both parents should have equal rights over their children in case of divorce. Feminism wants to get rid of those labels that are stuck to certain jobs as being "for men" or "for women" so boys and girls can be whatever they want and not whatever they are told to. It wants to get rid of the gendering of clothes, toys, makeup, and, for fuck's sake, FUCKING COLORS. It searches to normalize the gender spectrum and all kind of sexual orientations. And yes, it wants for girls and women worldwide to have the same rights as boys and men while raising the living standards of everyone. Still not convinced? Just think that when years pass, there will be a good side of the history and a bad one, on which side do you want to be. 

Did I convince you? Do you want to know what you can do to help? Well, feminism is about action, not about posts on social media or about giving up flowers on days like today (DO. NOT. DO. THIS.). Do not wish us a Happy Women’s Day, this is not a celebration. It is s fight. You can help by doing your share (50% share) at home instead of relying on your S.O. to do everything, IT IS ALSO YOUR FUCKING HOUSE. Make sure that your female colleagues earn the same as you. Make sure that women are promoted at work. Promote a good work-life balance in your work. Promote a safe environment at work with zero tolerance for sexual harassment. DO NOT FUCKING SEXUALLY HARASS WOMEN AT WORK OR ON THE STREET OR EVER REALLY. Do not reinforce sexist stereotypes when you educate your children. Speak up when people have misogynistic attitudes. DO NOT FUCKING HAVE FUCKING MISOGYNISTIC ATTITUDES. Do not use the ”like a girl” in a demeaning manner. Do not say that there are jobs for men and jobs for women. Do not consider women an object. Do not reinforce trans and homophobic behaviors. Stop associating masculinity with violence. Stop talking about the ”friend-zone” as if women owed you anything. Stop having violent reactions when a woman rejects you, including calling them ”bitch” and ”slut”. Stop sending unsolicited dick pics and asking for nudes. In general, respect women not because you have a mother/sister/wife/daughter, but because WE TOO ARE FUCKING HUMAN BEINGS. 

Security

A week went by before I saw Léa again, during those seven days my life continued as usual, with its sleepless nights, its long walks around the city, and the rare occasion when I did what had actually been my reason to move to Paris, photography. If there is an advantage in not having to work to survive, is that you can work on whatever you like even if you are not very good at it. It is not like I was terrible at photography, I could get some good shots now and then, but I definitely was not good enough as to do it professionally. I had enrolled in some courses, thinking that the intrinsic beauty of Paris would help me, but I was mistaken. 

That day I returned home from one of such attempts to get good pictures, I was fairly confident that I would have something good as it had snowed the previous night and the whole city was under several inches of snow. Part of me wanted to maintain the delusion, another part wanted to check the pictures out just to be done with the disappointment. However, my life, and in particular Léa had other plans. My apartment door was not only open, but there were some men changing it by one that looked at least bank-grade. 

“What is going on in here?” I asked as I had finished climbing the stairs. It was clear that it was not burglary as I had never heard of anyone trying to rob anyone else by changing their door for a better one. Léa looked through the open door when she heard me and invited me in. 

“I hope you don’t mind, but I’m doing some changes to your apartment, to improve your security, I don’t understand how you can live like that,…” I was going to interrupt her, but she didn’t let me. “You can’t imagine how hard was it to get them to do it today. This country, I swear, there is some snow on the ground and no one works for a whole week.”

I saw that she had also added alarms and motion activated cameras. 

“Is all of this really necessary?” I asked, feeling that my privacy had been violated. 

“Yes, it is. I also have a first case for you.”