(There has to be a reason why I keep doing) New Year's Resolutions.

I have been posting my New Year's resolutions on my blog for some time already, hoping that someone will keep me accountable and help me fulfill them. Spoiler alert: it never ever works. Anyway, before going with this year's, we need to look back at lasts year's which were... weird to say the least?

1. Fight for my rights and against those that want to take them away from me.

I did go to several demonstrations to protest about what was happening back home, however, I was in Paris and I felt that there wasn't much more I could do. So... full points for this one? 1 point. 

2. Be aware of my mental health and the triggers that make it worse. I don't need to spend another year balancing between anxiety and depression.

I mean,... yes,... but also no. I knew what was fucking me up, but there was a point when I felt like there was nothing I could do to improve it. Half a point. 

3. Enjoy science with all my heart. Science is an integral part of me, as writing is.

Yes! Especially during the second half of the year, when I started a new project in a new place. 1 point.

4. Don't feel ashamed when I decide to stay home instead of going out. I need my time alone.

No one is going to judge me if I stay home in one of the rainy Paris days... 1 point.

5. Accept that sometimes things don't work the way I want them to.

Still working on that. 0 points. 

6. Don't feel pressured to do something because someone else wants to do it. I have my needs too, and they don't always need to be the same.

I guess? Half a point. 

Okay, so the grand total is 4 points out of 6, making it the first time I actually pass my New Year's resolutions. 

Now it's time to make resolutions for this year,...

1. Improve my French so I can have decent conversations with everyone. 

2. Be better at housekeeping.

3. Find ways to meet new people. 

4. Try to enjoy and discover Paris to the fullest when it is not raining. 

5. Edit Gateways. 

6. Keep practicing yoga and gain strength and flexibility. 

Second-guess

"You said you wanted to talk?" you asked, the sun shining in your eyes.

My first instinct is to run away, to deny it, to say something else, to lie as usual. However, I stop in my tracks, it's been too long already. I have waited enough already.

"Yes."

"So?"

I sit down on the grass, looking towards the lake. "Sit down."

You smile and sit down. I'm playing with a leaf of grass and you take my hand to stop me.

"Well?" you urge me. Neither of us seems to be very talkative today, I wonder if you already know what I have to say.

"I'm tired of second-guessing." I blurt out.

"What?"

I fucked up, that was not how I was supposed to start, this is not what I prepared, but now it is too late to start again.

"I'm tired of second-guessing what this is. Of second-guessing your thoughts. You."

I look at you and I see the disconcert in your eyes. You do not understand. And I cannot blame you.

"What is this? What are we?" I add as if it would explain anything, the way you stare at me shows it hasn't.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that I don't know what you want, that one day you seem to want one thing, but then you pull away. One day you chase me to only ignore me the next week. What do you want?"

"I..." you swallow. "I want you, but..."

"But what?" I turn around to face you, tired of all this.

"But it wouldn't work."

I stand up. "Just because you are too much of a coward to try it doesn't mean that it wouldn't work." I start walking back.

"Wait!"

"WHAT?!"

"It just wouldn't." You say staring back into the lake.

"Get lost."

We part ways, you staying by the lake, me deciding to leave it all behind.