What I'm going to explain today it's something I've never told anyone, at least completely, it's something that I've been battling through all these years, and it's something that I'm trying to get over it. I'm not trying to seek attention, or to get anyone to pity me, I just want people to know how things are.
As a kid I was really shy, I loved reading and, well, I was a kid. I was happy for most of my infancy while going to my town's school where all the kids were equal. But I went to another school, the kind of school you've to wear uniform and your parents have to pay lots of money, and all the sudden I was the new kid in the class. There's a thing I'm not really good at, and this thing is integrating onto a group of people that have known each other for a long time, so you can imagine that it took me a while to integrate, still, somehow I did it. Yet, I was kinda different, I liked to study and to read, and I was different in a sense that most of those kids could have whatever they wanted to just asking it to their parents, but mine where doing an economic effort to give me a good education, we were not poor, I guess we were middle-class, but still that made me different. So for the first time in my life I was laughed at for nonsense, I met people that were more worried about their physical appearance than for studies. When we were about to finish primary school we made a kind of yearbook and everyone got to write something for their classmates, one of my classmates just wrote "Next year you'll be prettier", and we were only 12! But it went downhill, people teased me just because they wanted to, because I was not as pretty as other girls, because I was slightly fat and because I still liked to study, I guess that's the worst thing you can do as a teen, it's a horrible, horrible thing. Of course I was not popular, but I thought that maybe if I helped the people that where picking on me maybe they'll love me. No way, when kids have decided to bother someone there's nothing this people can do. So it went on for 4 more years. On the last two years of high school it improved a bit, but basically because I shielded myself behind irony and sarcasm, and because I had two great friends who really helped me getting over it. I was not popular but at least I was respected.
Why I'm telling you all this after more than six years? Because it has affected me in my normal relationships, it takes me longer than other people to rely on someone, I keep thinking that I'll get somewhere where I've to meet a friend and he or she won't shop up (even after knowing them for several years), I feel that everyone is judging me, I don't feel comfortable in a group where there's no one I know and all of them know one each other, and I keep pushing away any possible boyfriend because I'm afraid they're saying everything they say as a joke, just to make me look silly.
Some would say that I was bullied, maybe I was, but it was more a psychological bully than a physical one, a bully to made me feel worse about myself just because they though I was better than them in some aspects and they needed to made someone feel miserable just to feel better. Of course all kids do this, but it's the teachers and parents work to help the bullied kid and make it stop. I can't remember anytime where someone was serious about what was happening to me, of course it was really mild, but I'm really worried, because there are kids out there that are getting a much more rough treatment than I did. What's in the future of these kids?
I feel better after this though it's been tough, but I needed to do it, even if I know that it's going to be read by 5 or 6 people at most.
No comments:
Post a Comment