Second-guess

"You said you wanted to talk?" you asked, the sun shining in your eyes.

My first instinct is to run away, to deny it, to say something else, to lie as usual. However, I stop in my tracks, it's been too long already. I have waited enough already.

"Yes."

"So?"

I sit down on the grass, looking towards the lake. "Sit down."

You smile and sit down. I'm playing with a leaf of grass and you take my hand to stop me.

"Well?" you urge me. Neither of us seems to be very talkative today, I wonder if you already know what I have to say.

"I'm tired of second-guessing." I blurt out.

"What?"

I fucked up, that was not how I was supposed to start, this is not what I prepared, but now it is too late to start again.

"I'm tired of second-guessing what this is. Of second-guessing your thoughts. You."

I look at you and I see the disconcert in your eyes. You do not understand. And I cannot blame you.

"What is this? What are we?" I add as if it would explain anything, the way you stare at me shows it hasn't.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that I don't know what you want, that one day you seem to want one thing, but then you pull away. One day you chase me to only ignore me the next week. What do you want?"

"I..." you swallow. "I want you, but..."

"But what?" I turn around to face you, tired of all this.

"But it wouldn't work."

I stand up. "Just because you are too much of a coward to try it doesn't mean that it wouldn't work." I start walking back.

"Wait!"

"WHAT?!"

"It just wouldn't." You say staring back into the lake.

"Get lost."

We part ways, you staying by the lake, me deciding to leave it all behind.