Too late

I can still remember the first time we met, several years ago. It was at a party at Lea's place. I was being an insufferable know-it-all and you called me out for it. Afterwards, you made one of your stupid jokes that made me smile. We started talking and we seemed to have a lot in common. You became my friend without even realizing it. You were the person I'd go to when I had problems, the one I always relied on. And I thought you'd be with me forever. 

I never told you that you were one of the most important persons in my life. I never did, because I always hid my feelings. Because I was afraid of giving you so much power. Because I didn't want to get hurt. I never told you that I really liked you, that it was weird. I never told you that I needed you, because I couldn't stand the feeling of needing someone. I never told you you'd hurt me when you did. I never told you you were an asshole, even when I should have told you. I never told you I missed you so much that it hurt, when we were apart. 

I never told you how I truly felt, I was scared to do so because I thought you were too good for me. I never told you because I was waiting for the right moment, and the right moments came and went and I never told you. Now it's not the right moment, it's probably the worst moment there could be, but it's my last chance. It's now or never, and I don't think I'll be able to sleep ever again if I don't say it out loud. 

You were the reason I smiled some days, but also the reason why I felt so sad I thought my heart would break into a thousand pieces. Sometimes, I saw things that made me think of you and that would make my day. I don't really know if it was love or what was it, but I felt it for you. I should really have told you all of this before, you would have helped me figure it out, instead I kept it inside me, growing into a hurricane. 

And now that I'm finally telling all this to you, you can't hear me. I should have told you all this when you could still have hugged me and told me that crying makes me look ugly. But I waited too long and now it's too late because you'll never get out of this casket. Now you're dead and I'm saying all these things too late.