This year I continued living in Barcelona, but I changed flats and managed to spend more time at home than I had done before. I almost moved into the lab in summer, when I would spend long days in, but that's actually a different topic.
This year I have also worked a lot, I got some stuff published (find it here), and have applied for a time extension for my PhD, meaning that I'll finish it a year later than I had expected. Work took me to the SfN conference in Washington DC days after my birthday and to Paris twice, once for only one day in the middle of February and the other for some more days in the heat of June for another congress (both of them only intensified my love for Paris, especially as I got to walk around Montmartre when there was no one around). I also spent one whole day explaining my research to visitors who came to the Open Day, it was exhausting, but completely worth it.
My journey of introspection took me to the Baltic States, where I went looking for cold and deserted places, and they certainly didn't disappoint. I spent lots of time alone during the sixteen days I drove around, lots of time by the wild Baltic Sea in Lithuania, but especially in Latvia, lots of time by the tame Baltic Sea in Estonia. And I fell in love with Latvia, wild, raw Latvia (and also a bit with Selga cookies from Laima), and I fell in love with the Baltic Sea. I did meet lots of different people around there, people who had gone there only for the cities, people who had gone there seeking for something else, it was a good experience; and at the end of the day that's what you're left with (this and a ton of pictures, you can find everything about it under the label "roadtrip").
Other than that, I did more things. I finished the whole A Story A Day thing, but I didn't stop writing as I wrote some more stories this year (not as many as I did last year, but enough). I also co-wrote a story with Richard (@imasillypirate) that is probably the strangest thing I have ever written, but I also had lots of fun writing it. On more crazy things I did, there is that time when I ran a half-marathon (and didn't die) or starting to swim in the sea (I even bought a wetsuit that I'll put on and have to take off as soon as I'm in the water because you could cook pasta in that water (It's maybe at 18ºC and I still think you can cook pasta in that water)). I also attended three weddings, because, apparently, 27 is the age when people start getting married. Going to weddings meant I had to doll up and wear long dresses, which surprisingly I loved to. And I celebrated my birthday ahead of date with my friends twice, which is not the first time it happens, but it's the first time it happens because I simply don't feel like setting it up.
Not too bad for now, huh? Don't worry, things go downhill pretty fast.
Before going downhill, however, let's talk about funny things (a.k.a. my so called love-life). As of the last 27 years my love-life has been ranging from non-existent to "and you think that is love-life?", but at least I've learnt to stay away from fuck-boys (so there's that). I've also learnt that for something to work you need both the right person and the right moment. Usually, for me, it's the wrong person at the wrong moment and that hurts like hell, but sometimes it can be the right person at the wrong moment and this hurts even worse, because it hurts also the other person, and you're left feeling guilty over something you can do nothing about and with a pile of feelings that have nowhere to go. I've realized I'm not in the best moment to be in a relationship, or how I will maybe never be. The fear of never really knowing love is real, there's a part of me that simply wants to experience it for a moment, even if afterwards it is lost forever. And if that ever happens it must not necessarily be with a man. Sexuality is something I have been questioning a lot this year, and although I'm mainly attracted to men, I have also been attracted to women, and it's something that could happen. This is not a coming out post, but I do consider myself bisexual/pansexual. Anyway, I'm still too fucked up to date anyone.
This has been a hard year. I've had ups and downs, but mostly downs. I had a harsh moment around February when I could feel something dark growing inside me, and that made me really scared as it made me feel like I could never enjoy nice things ever again. The thing with inner darkness is that you can either let it consume you or embrace it, I decided to embrace it, in the end. Just because it's dark it doesn't mean it's not good. And then came the anxiety, the crippling anxiety that made me freeze in the middle of the supermarket because I couldn't choose what to buy for dinner, the anxiety that would throw panic attacks at me as if they were stones. The fear, the fear of everything and everybody, the fear of having a panic attack in the middle of the street, in the middle of a wedding, somewhere crowded where I am trapped and not in control. The feeling of helplessness, of thinking I was being a burden, the feeling that maybe I was pushing my friends away, but that maybe they didn't care about it. I felt alone, I felt like I couldn't cope, and I even considered self-harm (and still seems like an option sometimes). At some points, it was so bad that I feared I was actually drifting into depression. Going on vacations helped, in a way, but there were still moments when my anxiety levels were off the chart. Probably the hardest thing I had to do to cope with them was to identify my triggers, singling them out required lots of hours of looking into myself, of asking myself what did I really fear: failure, being out of control. It might seem easy to deal with, but not being in control also includes being in crowded places and feeling trapped, so there's that. And harder still was to admit that sometimes triggers are not things, but people, and sometimes people you really care for, and there's nothing you can do about it without hurting them, even if that will make you happier; and it just leaves with guilt, because you still care for them, but reaching out would probably be too much for your mental state. I'm better now, I have been better for some time after a final terrible episode that had me being afraid of everyone on the street. Recovery is not easy, and I don't expect it to be, but I want to think that I will make it through.
Other than that, I did more things. I finished the whole A Story A Day thing, but I didn't stop writing as I wrote some more stories this year (not as many as I did last year, but enough). I also co-wrote a story with Richard (@imasillypirate) that is probably the strangest thing I have ever written, but I also had lots of fun writing it. On more crazy things I did, there is that time when I ran a half-marathon (and didn't die) or starting to swim in the sea (I even bought a wetsuit that I'll put on and have to take off as soon as I'm in the water because you could cook pasta in that water (It's maybe at 18ºC and I still think you can cook pasta in that water)). I also attended three weddings, because, apparently, 27 is the age when people start getting married. Going to weddings meant I had to doll up and wear long dresses, which surprisingly I loved to. And I celebrated my birthday ahead of date with my friends twice, which is not the first time it happens, but it's the first time it happens because I simply don't feel like setting it up.
Not too bad for now, huh? Don't worry, things go downhill pretty fast.
Before going downhill, however, let's talk about funny things (a.k.a. my so called love-life). As of the last 27 years my love-life has been ranging from non-existent to "and you think that is love-life?", but at least I've learnt to stay away from fuck-boys (so there's that). I've also learnt that for something to work you need both the right person and the right moment. Usually, for me, it's the wrong person at the wrong moment and that hurts like hell, but sometimes it can be the right person at the wrong moment and this hurts even worse, because it hurts also the other person, and you're left feeling guilty over something you can do nothing about and with a pile of feelings that have nowhere to go. I've realized I'm not in the best moment to be in a relationship, or how I will maybe never be. The fear of never really knowing love is real, there's a part of me that simply wants to experience it for a moment, even if afterwards it is lost forever. And if that ever happens it must not necessarily be with a man. Sexuality is something I have been questioning a lot this year, and although I'm mainly attracted to men, I have also been attracted to women, and it's something that could happen. This is not a coming out post, but I do consider myself bisexual/pansexual. Anyway, I'm still too fucked up to date anyone.
This has been a hard year. I've had ups and downs, but mostly downs. I had a harsh moment around February when I could feel something dark growing inside me, and that made me really scared as it made me feel like I could never enjoy nice things ever again. The thing with inner darkness is that you can either let it consume you or embrace it, I decided to embrace it, in the end. Just because it's dark it doesn't mean it's not good. And then came the anxiety, the crippling anxiety that made me freeze in the middle of the supermarket because I couldn't choose what to buy for dinner, the anxiety that would throw panic attacks at me as if they were stones. The fear, the fear of everything and everybody, the fear of having a panic attack in the middle of the street, in the middle of a wedding, somewhere crowded where I am trapped and not in control. The feeling of helplessness, of thinking I was being a burden, the feeling that maybe I was pushing my friends away, but that maybe they didn't care about it. I felt alone, I felt like I couldn't cope, and I even considered self-harm (and still seems like an option sometimes). At some points, it was so bad that I feared I was actually drifting into depression. Going on vacations helped, in a way, but there were still moments when my anxiety levels were off the chart. Probably the hardest thing I had to do to cope with them was to identify my triggers, singling them out required lots of hours of looking into myself, of asking myself what did I really fear: failure, being out of control. It might seem easy to deal with, but not being in control also includes being in crowded places and feeling trapped, so there's that. And harder still was to admit that sometimes triggers are not things, but people, and sometimes people you really care for, and there's nothing you can do about it without hurting them, even if that will make you happier; and it just leaves with guilt, because you still care for them, but reaching out would probably be too much for your mental state. I'm better now, I have been better for some time after a final terrible episode that had me being afraid of everyone on the street. Recovery is not easy, and I don't expect it to be, but I want to think that I will make it through.
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