Deep inside

That feeling of hopelessness,

Of losing control. 

The wait for answers, 

The need for something else. 

The moment when I am not me anymore,

The doubts,

The crippling doubts, 

The what-ifs, 

The I-don't-care anyway. 

The ups and the downs, 

The rush of blood, 

The head in the clouds. 

The denial I live in, 

My fear of mistakes

Paralizing me deep inside,

Rendering me usless. 

Shaking hands, 

Waiting eyes, 

My mind wandering in neverland. 

Wondering if it will be the last time,

Wondering if I did wrong. 

Words piling up in my head,

Never leaving my mouth. 

Thoughts bouncing in my mind

Crashing on the walls. 

Just because,

Deep inside,

A small part of myself,

Decides to make it hard. 

Just because,

In a way,

I can't trust anyone,

Not even myself.