On being alone

This is a recurring topic on my blog, every now and then I think about what loneliness and being alone means, on what it means to me. I guess that it has something to do with the fact that I have been living alone for a year, now. I have been arriving to an empty house for all this time, not having anyone to talk to, having to do everything on my own. I also suspect that it has to do with the fact that I am of an age when people starts getting married or in long-term relationships, when they commit to never being alone anymore.

Being an awkward person, as I am, I've always felt more comfortable alone. This may come as a surprise, because I can be very outgoing, and in a way I am. However, I have always felt safer being alone. Which might be the reason I don't mind not having someone hanging around at home when I arrive, or why my house is usually silent as I don't even feel the need to play music or turn the TV on. Being alone is my shield against all the constant stimulus I receive from the outside, it's my safe haven. When I have to walk around the city I'm always listening to music, because I feel that this will keep the rest of the people out. When I am out with friends, I will sometimes get lost in my own thoughts because listening to their conversations is draining and I need some alone time. I guess it's a virtue being able to be alone even when you are with people. Sometimes none of it will work, and then I'll feel the need to travel somewhere I can be truly on my own, as I did this year when I went to Ireland to hike part of the Kerry Way completely alone. Some people might have gone crazy, spending more than eight hours a day alone with their thoughts, but for me it was therapeutic, it soothed my soul. 

However, society doesn't really accomodate for people who like to be alone, we, humans, are gregarious animals. We live in groups, we mate "for life" or rather for different periods of time. When you are used to be alone it's difficult to find your place in society. Being alone means also being fiercely independent, and possibly incredibly stubborn, resisting to ask for help even when you need it the most. I have had high fever while being home alone, braved up and cooked myself some soup refusing to ask for help. And deep inside, I think that the rest of the people is like me, which basically shows how little do I understand people. As I said, with being alone comes a sense of independence, a sense of doing whatever you want to do whenever you want to, and the longer you are alone, the stronger this feeling grows. Until there is a moment when you are so used to it that allowing anyone inside your life is hard, and you don't even know how to let them in or when to talk to them, because you simply assume that they also need some time alone. And it's hard for people to understand, even if they are close friends who have known you for a long time. In a way, being comfortable with being alone can make you detached, and look like a terrible friend, making it look as if you didn't care, when, actually, you just don't want to invade their personal space. 

Still, I wouldn't change it for anything. Feeling comfortable being alone is a wonderful feeling, the highest form of self-acceptance there is, it prepares you for the worst times in life, while it leaves the best to catch you unaware.