Regrets

I had always considered my grandmother to be a regular grandmother. She loved baking cookies, had a really old cat, and gave really good advice. For what I knew of her life, she had always lived in the same place and had married her teenage love. She had never told me otherwise, and I had never had a reason to ask whether there had been something else. 

One day I went to visit her, I wanted to ask her advice about something, but I didn't know how she would take it, there are things you simply don't ask your grandma. She noticed there was something amiss. 

-What troubles you, Io? 

-Can I tell you a secret, grandma?- she nodded while handing me a cup of warm chocolate.- I'm not sure I love Adam anymore. Also, I met someone else, someone who has made me feel things Adam never has. But I'm scared, I have just met this other guy, and what if it is just a phase? What if I break up with Adam and he really is the man of my life? 

She smiled warmly. 

-I think it's time I tell you a story. A story no one has ever heard, not even your mother. A story of love and of loss. My story. 

'It all happened a long time ago, when I was very young. Your grandfather had just asked me to marry him and, of course, I had said yes. We had been together for a long time, and marriage was the logical following step. Four months before the wedding I panicked and ran away. I needed some time alone. I needed to live experiences that I didn't know if I could ever live again. I booked the cheapest flight I could find and the following day I found myself in Killarney carrying a light backpack and nothing more. I rented a room at a B&B and headed straight to the National Park to read and write by the lakes. I needed to find peace, to put order in my life before taking any further step, and that seemed the right place. On my way to the park I crossed paths with a young man, tall, proud, handsome, with a mischievous smile on his face as if he knew things no one else did. He looked at me square in the eye and I shivered. I continued my way and quickly forgot about him as I kept an eye out for deer. I spent the afternoon strolling around the paths of the park, stopping here and there to write or read or simply to marvel at the scenery. I returned to the B&B for a light supper and as I entered the dinning room I saw him again. He was on a small table by the window reading a thick book, his meal set by his side long forgotten. For some reason, he was barefoot. I sat on the other side of the small room and my meal was brought almost immediately. I also took a book out and read it between bites. 

-So, you are here too.- he had somehow managed to sit across me, he moved like a cat. 

-I am. 

-You weren't here yesterday. 

-I wasn't. 

-So you got here today. 

-Yes.

He hadn't asked a single question as if he knew that everything he said was right. 

-You haven't been to the pub yet. I'll take you. I'll be waiting in the living room. 

He stood up and silently walked out of the room. I sat there staring stupidly at the door, feeling all giddy inside. You have to understand that, not only was he extraordinarily handsome, he was also very confident about himself. I ate my supper as fast as I could, my stomach in a knot, picked a light jacket from my room and met him in the living room. He was sitting cross-legged on a sofa, still reading his book. I sat across him too scared to say anything. 

-You are ready.- he lifted the eyes from his book.-Hold on a second. 

He returned a couple of minutes later wearing a loose woolen sweater and some shoes. 

-Let's go. 

I didn't even question him, we walked on the streets looking for a pub with live music, but somehow ended up in one where they had football on the TV. He ordered two Guinness, my first ever.

-You never told me your name.- I said, waiting for the stouts to settle. 

-Names are not important, they are social constrains. Words used by other people to define us. It's you and I, and that's it. 

-Will you at least tell me where do you come from? 

-Berlin.- he said with his half-smile. 

He didn't sound German, but I didn't tell him that because he already knew it. We talked about lots of things, I had never been so comfortable with someone I just met in my whole life. When we finished our drinks, he insisted on finding some place with live music. However, on our way to the next pub we came across a Murphy's ice-cream shop. He had to have some. I had started to realize that he always followed his impulses, whatever those where, and that that was the reason why he had decided to take me to the pub. He ate some Rum and Raisins ice-cream, I didn't have anything. We walked more while he finished the ice-cream, passing by a bookshop. I stopped to look at the windows. 

-You like reading.- again, a not-question. 

-Yes. 

-You should read Terry Pratchett. 

-Yes, I should. 

I told him I wrote, and he said that he needed to read something by me. I showed him something I had on me, but it wasn't very good, to be fair. We went to another pub, one with live music this time. I had some cider and he kept drinking Guinness while we sat on the terrace. The music was lively, and I quickly joined in to sing along. 

-You know the words. 

-I don't, I just pick lyrics very fast. 

He smiled and looked at me deep in the eyes. We had a connection, and he had known it before I had. Because he knew everything. I never told him about your grandfather because I didn't want to remind myself that I'd probably be getting married soon. I was doing something I had never done before, enjoy the moment, see myself fall in love with a complete stranger for a night. We had to kiss, I knew we had to. We returned to the B&B silently, walking close to each other, so close I could feel his sweather against my bare skin. I could also feel the electricity running between us both. We got to the B&B and walked up to the first floor, my room was first. 

-Good night.- he said half-smile and all before walking down the corridor. 

On the next morning, when I went for breakfast, I saw him carrying his backpack. 

-You're leaving.- I was being as cryptic as he was without even realizing it. 

-Yes, see you, maybe. 

We looked into each other's eyes, saying with them everything that we were not saying outloud. He gave me his half-smile once more and left. 

I never kissed him and I never knew his name. I could have asked the lady at the B&B, but I didn't. To this day this remains my biggest regret, not having kissed him, not having tried to know him better, to keep track of him. You only have a connection like this with a person once in a lifetime.' 

When she finished talking I was speechless. 

-Now, Io dear, I'm not telling you that you should throw your life with Adam away. I'm just telling you that if you feel you're going to regret all your life not having given this other man a chance, you should probably give it a try? What could go wrong, anyway? Would you rather not try and regret it, or having tried and regret it?