On the verge of thirty-four

You know which day is it, the eve of my birthday. So let's recap a bit on this last year. If last year was crazy, this year... it's been even crazier. Covid is still around and kicking, so sure that was not ideal.

Usually, I started this recap with the concerts and places I had been to. Concerts, it's definitely a no, I haven't been to one since before Covid. I had some that were dragging from last year, but they kept getting postponed and I ended up asking for the money back. With regards to places, I did try to go home as often as possible, and I took a long road trip around the East of France, Luxembourg, and Belgium with my parents where we saw some very impressive sights. Of note Etrétat was breathtaking, and the cathedral at Amiens which is enormous. And probably the biggest trip of them all, moving across the ocean to New York City for my new job, which was a very stressful and very shocking experience. I have been here for less than two weeks and the shock doesn't fade away. Additionally, I got a new tattoo, which I was not planning to do, but I did. I also got a couple of extra piercings on my ears including a daith, which hurt like a mf. 

In terms of personal relationships, I want to say I have greatly improved. I met lots of new people and I didn't have so much anxiety about meeting them. I also thought I had found someone I would have liked to spend more time with, but sometimes things don't work out and sometimes people aren't who you thought they were. All in all, I feel like some of these people have helped me become who I really am. And of course, having much better mental health also helped. But all in all, maybe now I am truly ready to have a relationship. Let's see where this year takes me and what this new city teaches me.

Mirror

I look into the mirror and I see,
all the things I don’t like plain in front of me.
I see my stomach,

which I wish was flat,

I see the scars,

that all these years have left by,

I see the stretch marks,

reminding me about how my body has changed. 

I see every little try thing

I would like to change. 

I focus on every little thing

no one else can see. 

Here are the things

I would like for me to see instead,

I would like to see my legs, 

long and strong,

that have defied the odds

and walked for miles, 

just so I could see

the beauty of the world. 

I would like to see my back,

muscular and wide, 

which will allow me to carry

the weight of the world on it. 

I would like to see my arms

which I use every day,

which allow me to feel free

when I swim in the open. 

But most of all, 

I would like to see what other people see,

how they see me past all the tiny things,

only I can see. 

Breath

Your breath
heavy next to my ear,
whispering sweet nothings
and twisted fantasies,

telling me how beautiful 

I look today. 

My breath

irregular between sighs,

my mind too lost 

to even think of a reply

about how good I feel

with your skin against my skin. 

Your lips

tasting of me,

tasting of us,

tasting of you,

tasting of the wine

we drank as we were still

sitting down. 

Your sweat

dripping on me, 

mixing with mine,

and ending on the sheets

that are crumpling 

under our weight. 

Your tongue 

tracing my neck,

as I lean and arch.

My arms 

against your back, 

holding you close, 

making sure that 

I still have something solid

to cling to. 

All my senses

focused in the places 

where our bodies met,

the outside world 

lost to me,

lost to us.

My eyes

closed,

my teeth

biting your shoulder, 

my nails

clawing to not let you go. 

And then,

release,

the breath

deeper,

a smile 

on my lips, 

the weight of your body, 

on mine. 

Cold

 The cold

against my naked skin,

reminds me I’m still

alive. 

Freezing air

into my lungs,

filling me 

with ice crystals.

The darkness of the night

wraps me up 

like a blanket,

a moonless starless night

at the rooftop 

of an unremarkable city building. 

The city sleeps deeply

on this cold winter night,

only I am awake 

and outside.

Only I am awake,

drinking,

feeling this night 

with as many senses as I can. 

My skin is in prickles,

from my head to my toe,

yet, I resist to pick up

the layers of clothing, 

that I left fallen on the floor. 

I allow the cold to caress me,

like a lover would,

the wind kissing me,

tenderly,

when it’s a breeze,

hungrily, 

when it picks up,

furiously,

when it’s a gust. 

I still stand,

my feet naked against

the freezing floor.

My lips blue

from the fearless wind. 

My heart full

from all the life. 

Dreams

 We sleep

side by side,

our heartbeats filling each other’s silence,

our breath

slow and so soft 

they barely push around 

the dust motes

dancing in the sun.

We dream

side by side,

our bodies touching,

our minds universes apart. 

In my dream,

I’m by the sea, 

the wind pushing me,

the rain drenching my clothes.

In your dream, 

you’re someone else,

someone who doesn’t love me,

someone who doesn’t know me. 

My dream calms me down,

giving me the depth of the ocean,

the strength of the wind,

the persistence of rain. 

You dream makes you wonder,

of other lives 

and other choices,

of other paths to take. 

We dream

side by side,

in the same house,

in the same room,

on the same bed. 

We dream

side by side,

and, yet, 

we couldn’t be further apart. 

The void

 I reach across the void

for you,

your hand,

your voice, 

your smell. 

I know you’re there,

on the other side,

somewhere, 

but I can’t reach you.

I cry

for you,

for your arms

to comfort me,

for your voice

to soothe me.

I throw

messages in bottles,

long letters of love,

short pleads of help,

silent tears on a paper, 

no matter what I do

they all get swallowed by the dark. 

Like my fingers when they touch it,

like my voice when I scream,

like my tears when I spill them,

like you when you left. 

Changing seasons

 In winter,

your fingers like snowflakes,

melting on my skin.

In spring,

your lips like petals, 

soft against my lips.

In summer,

your breath like the heat,

blowing on my neck. 

In autumn, 

your hair like leaves,

dancing slowly on my chest. 

Like the seasons,

you change,

like the seasons,

I wait,

always hoping to get the part of you

that I can’t have. 

Always wishing for snow

when I have warmth,

for flowers,

when I have changing trees. 

Always wishing you could give me

all the seasons at once,

instead of one at a time.