To-do List

It was the last summer we were going to spend together. We were finishing college that year and decided to take a whole month of vacations before setting off to our destinies. Belinda had a beach house in a town by the Mediterranean sea, and we all went there to enjoy the sun and the last truly carefree days of our lives. It was six of us, four girls and two boys, we had met in school, but not all of us majored in the same. Belinda majored in French, just as I did. She was extroverted where I was shy, voluptuous where I was scrawny. Anne had been her roommate during Freshman's year, she studied Chemistry and was the only one who was returning to school after the summer. She was so sarcastic she was caustic. There was also Jess, she seemed to think that everything was a joke, she has studied History, but took one thousand different classes so no one really knew what she had actually studied. Or if she had studied at all. And finally the twins, Daryl and Mel, I had known them for three years and still couldn't tell them apart, they were really sure of themselves and they brought equilibrium to the group. 

We had that beach house all to ourselves, the pool, the terrace, everything. The first thing we did when we arrived was change into our bathing suits and head to the pool. There, by the water, Belinda proposed to do a "to-do" list for our vacations. Everyone agreed, and, as I was the only one who had a notebook in hand, I was tasked with writing it all down. There was everything from "try new food" to "go to a nudist beach", at one point one of the twins proposed "fall in love". As I wrote down those words I wondered, did any of us really know what love means? Does anyone really know what love means? A strange feeling sprung inside of me, like chills in my soul. Had I ever been in love? I was brought back to reality by some cheeky comment by Anne. 

I spent that month wondering about love. At first it was about the general meaning of it, yet time and again I found myself thinking about the same person while reflecting about the feeling. Was that love? Did it mean that I loved them? I somehow tried to convince myself it wasn't, but I needed to face the truth, it was indeed love. Should I tell them? What would happen? I was awkward and had never told anyone I loved them. The vacations were reaching their end and I had to take a decision urgently. 

Two nights before our departure, I found the right moment. We had gone to the beach to bathe under the moonlight. While everyone swam I sat by the fire, playing with the firewood, staring at the dance of the flames. Belinda sat next to me. 

-Don't you want to come in the water?-she asked while draining out her long brown hair. 

-I like it here. 

-You've been silent lately.- I smiled at that statement.- More than usually, I mean. 

-It's just,... 

-What? 

I played with one of my curls, still staring at the fire. 

-Do you remember the list we made on the first day? How one of the twins said that we had to fall in love over this month? I have fallen in love. But not over this month. I was in love before but I never realized. It was only when I started to think about love that I realized so. And now I'm scared. I never knew love could make you afraid, but it has. I'm scared of losing the person I love, forever. 

I was silently crying at that point and Belinda came closer and put an arm over my shoulder. I shivered. 

-Who is it? You can tell me. 

Could I? She was my best friend, but could I really tell her? I swallowed, I had to tell her, there was no point in hiding it anymore. 

-You.- I whispered. 

At first I thought she hadn't heard me. I turned my face to hers and saw how she was intently staring at the fire. 

-Belinda?

-I,... I don't know what to say Cindy. I love you, only not like that. You're like a sister to me, and that's why I will always love you, but I can't give you what you want. 

She hugged me and went back to the water. We both pretended nothing had happened and promised each other we would keep in contact. We never did. That was seven years ago. 

The other day I met Belinda again. She was still the same, I am the one who has changed. She almost didn't recognize me, my hair short, and my belly showing the early signs of pregnancy. We went for coffee. 

-I didn't know you lived here.- she told me. 

-We just moved. New life, new job, new everything.-I said softly patting my belly. 

-Oh, you and your husband must come to my place, then! We have to celebrate that we are back together after all this time.- Belinda said cheerfully. 

-Wife.- I corrected her. 

-What?- she seemed disoriented for a second. 

-My wife Dasha and I will be delighted to come to your place. 

She stared at her coffee cup, trying to find the words that wouldn't come to her. 

-I could have been that wife.- she whispered softly. 

-You didn't love me like I did.- I shrugged my shoulders, past was past. 

-What if I did? What if I wasn't brave enough to admit it? What if I still do?

Was she saying what I thought she was saying? 

-I never thought I'd say that but now it's too late. I love Dasha and I'm going to raise a child with her. You will find love with someone else, I know it. 

I reached for her hand across the table and squeezed it. She would be okay, I was still her best friend after all.